So I started a few posts over the past couple of weeks that I apparently never finished or posted. So this might be a long one because I've had some revelations. This summer was far too short! Mostly because I took on too much, and I got in a rut. I was discouraged, frustrated and feeling stuck in a way I never have before. I was working on things I probably should have said no to. No, that I definitely should have said no to. Trying to juggle it all, and make everyone happy, while killing myself and becoming miserable. It has been a real struggle to "make the right choice." I have doubted, second guessed and battled myself about it. I think I have finally let all go, and Jesus has grabbed my hand to say, "Now that wasn't so hard now was it?" I feel like I have finally awoken from the pit of doom I had been in. I have made the initiatives to let some of those things go that I shouldn't have been doing, such as some new projects I had volunteered myself for, and running a marathon this fall. Letting go of the marathon was really tough for me, and somewhere in the midst of doing that I completely let running go. (I am hoping to get much needed run in this week.) Making the final decision to not run the marathon I have signed up for broke my heart in a lot of ways. It made me feel like a failure. I had re-dedicated myself to doing the run over and over. I had made up in my mind that not doing it wasn't an option. Then it became the only option. Maybe if I wouldn't have let everything else get in the way, I would still be running it. Yet, I did, and I'm not... So anyways back to the revelation part of this..
I had been praying to God to get me unstuck, and getting so wrapped up in my own junk that it just was not happening. I heard a sermon a couple of weeks ago, about how sometimes in our life God shows up SUDDENLY. Yet until that happens we need to remain faithful, and prepare. Most times things just appear to happen "Suddenly" after long periods of preparation. I then heard another sermon regarding restoring your vision, and the biggest battles we face that make us lose focus. So currently my vision is to open a space to educate people on nutrition, exercise, body image, with some sort of cafe, hands on garden type scenario. I keep referring to it as a wellness center. I have been back in school making an effort to obtain a license as a registered dietitian. I really enjoy understanding how things work, and the bigger picture. I'm hoping to also become a yoga instructor somewhere along this journey as well. The sermon regarding restoring my vision SCREAMED to me. It referenced the parable in Luke 15 regarding the lost sheep. It discussed the parable from Luke that if one sheep was lost from 99, going and saving it. The pastor made the joke, that if it were him, he would probably let the sheep go. How that we often let things go God has called us to do thinking that someone else will do it, or that it is a lost cause. Which is where my mind goes a lot. In my little world immersed in natural health and nutrition. I feel like I am so over flooded with trainers, nutritionists, and people promoting natural health, that there may not be room for me to make a difference. That if I do survive all of this schooling, that I won't have a job, or my business idea will never get off the ground because there are other people doing what I hope to do. I don't necessarily think what I am doing is futile, but its a little scary sometimes. Sometimes for the moment, it seems like it is much easier to stay stuck right where I'm at. This morning I went to church and felt very much in a rhythm. Like I was in this pattern, along with everyone around me. There was a strong part of me that thought, where did the passion go? Where is the fire in myself or in the people around me to shout from the roof tops about how awesome our God is? To be so filled with the spirit that walk away feeling renewed. The only picture of this I have to reference was from the one and only mission trip I've been on. I was in Guatemala, singing in a church where I didn't speak the language, I didn't know the songs. Yet, somehow before any of us realized we had been singing, and dancing, and praising Jesus for an hour and the entire church was on fire. Not literally, but with the Spirit of Lord (lame joke, I feel like this would make my husband laugh, but he doesn't read my blog). I think back on how there have been many points in my life where I was so ready to go wherever God called, and how I have lost that somehow along the way. Ive been reading the book, Kisses from Kate. It's written by a girl that became a missionary in Uganda. Her story is amazing, and has really been speaking to me in a lot of ways regarding God's call on my life. As I was reading today, she talked about how fear can paralyze us sometimes. How it can cause us to stay, and be stuck. That God didn't give us the spirit of fear but that he tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7 For the spirit Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. Not mediocre and fearful. That beyond our fear, is the full life that God has called us to live. That fear is something so small compared to the greatness of God. She talks about how God frequently calls people that are common, or ill equipped for great things. The thing that made them different is that they answered God's call on their life. She also talks about how many times people say, "God never gives us more than we can handle." as a comfort. Yet maybe he does, not to break us, but so that we are more reliant on him. She also goes on to say, that we pray for big things from God all the time. If we expect him to do big things in our life, why would we not expect for him ask us to do big things? Oh yeah, I'm going to have to do a little work here too. Someone said to me this week, "I wish I knew what to do, that the right answer would just smack me over the head." What if it does, what if it is? What if it isn't the answer we were hoping for, or it doesn't show up how we had imagined. Sometimes I think we expect the clouds to part, and Jesus to walk down from Heaven and say this what you should do. Yet even if that happened, it would be such an insane thing that we probably wouldn't believe that either. Many years ago, I don't even remember what I was praying for, or why I was upset. I was praying, outside, and said God, just show me a sign that you're here. Out of nowhere, this bunny appeared in front of me, and I started crying. I knew that, this was my sign. To this day, when I am going through rough patches, and praying for reassurance I see bunnies more than normal, and feel comfort that God's got it. Another time before I got married, people had asked me how I knew my husband was, "the one." The truth was I didn't. How do you answer a question like that, how do you know? Everyone gets divorced these days, how did I know this was the right decision? So one day as I was driving to work, on a cloudy, rainy day I was praying, "God, how do I know this is the right decision? That this man is the one I should marry?" In that moment the clouds parted and the sun came out, and somehow I knew God was telling me that this was good, and was the right decision. This brings me to the revelation I had today.. I think sometimes we get so stuck in the same rut, that we say these half hearted prayers, not expecting God to show up. Not expecting anything to be different, or to happen. What if, we got filled with the spirit, prayed big exciting awesome prayers that we knew God would give an answer to. He is the God of the Universe after all. He tells us in Psalms 37:4 to take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Maybe not as fast as we would like sometimes, God's timing is perfect. On that note, the last and final topic that keeps popping up lately. Is having faith in God's timing and to stop taking matters into my own hands. Such as in the story of Sarah and Abraham. God promised them children, and they waited, and waited some more. When Sarah had the brilliant idea to have her husband sleep with their slave to have a child. Then God says, no, that was not what I meant. He finally gives them a child way after child bearing age. It's God. The same God that created the universe, all of the animals, and people, why do we think that somehow we are going to fast forward through to the answer? Seems pretty silly when I think of it like that. So with that being said, God put these desires in us wanting us to step up to his call. When we finally say pick me God, send me. We have to be willing to go, be willing to do great things, in his name in his strength, and wait for his timing... And PRAY, BIG PRAYERS and have faith that God will answer.
