Unexplainable Peace

God has really been speaking to me today, and making me very aware of some of the gifts I do have. I must say, I often just considered myself a weird-o, and not gifted. I guess that can be left up for debate... So today it was mentioned how people being sick and approaching their last days can often times be a time of the people around them to learn, grow and draw closer to the Lord. I can see this in many ways. There are a lot of people that struggle with the thought of sickness, or a loved one dying. To some extent I guess I have had those emotions too. However, through God's amazing grace I have been granted an unexplainable peace regarding this subject. I am not afraid to die. I am not afraid because I know that my time here on this earth is just a moment, and this is not my permanent home. When I die I will be in Heaven, with those that have gone before me. The body that I lived in will be here, and I will have a new spiritual body in Heaven, with no pain, and no imperfections. Jesus died for me, and because I have accepted him into my life, my spirit will not die with my body. Death can be beautiful. I mean that in the most non-morbid way.

There was a time in my life, that I was so depressed, so over life, that I wanted nothing more for myself to be gone. To be dead, and had tried to take my own life. That is not what I am talking about here. Let me digress for a moment. I was reminded today, that there are people fighting secret battles within themselves. Fighting against negative thoughts, secrets, shame, judgment, whatever it may be. They fight these battles, alone, in private, and often times do a wonderful job at putting on a smile and never letting anyone find out they are hurting inside. I have been there, I have done that. It's hard, I definitely know. I struggled my own secret battles for a long time. But peace is available in healing. Working through whatever those secret battles are. Acknowledging that you need forgiveness, or need to forgive, running arms opened wide into the arms of Jesus, he is waiting if you are willing. I laid all of my burdens at his feet, have been forgiven, and have been granted an amazing peace that I literally cannot explain. We sang a song in church this morning, with the lyrics, "I’m forgiven, because you were forsaken. I’m accepted, you were condemned. I’m alive and well your spirit is within me, because you died and rose again. Amazing love, how can it be, that you my king would die for me. Amazing love I know its true, and its my joy to honor you, in all I do, I honor you." This song was one that I kept in my heart during my struggles and battles as a teenager. That and "Come home running, His arms are open wide, His name is Jesus, He understands. He is the answer You are looking for, So come home running Just as you are." Both of these song were given to me during pretty dark times in my life. But again, I was given the strength to over come these times. I have come to an entirely new place in my life, a place where I can look back and say, Yes I have struggled, but I have learned. I have been able to let it all go, and give it back to God. Lay my imperfections at his feet. I now stand on a solid foundation of Jesus, and have said, "Here I am, Lord. Use me!" And he has and does everyday. I have seen over the past couple of weeks how God has put people right in my path to talk to, and tell my story to. It literally blows my mind on numerous levels how many people willing tell me intimate details of their life with having only met them for a few moments. I can remember the first time this happened a few years ago, and thinking.  What is going on here? This person just told me some crazy stuff that I was not prepared to hear! However, as time went on I started seeing a pattern. The people that were talking to me had similar stories as mine. Had struggled with depression, or weight, or having to take care of a family member. It all started to make sense. Even though I chose the hard road, it is ultimately bringing me back to where I need to be, and God is getting the glory. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” So that is where I am today… Back to where I was previously going. So with all of that being said, I can see how God has allowed me on many occasions, to be the calm to the storm for others. Especially with my father’s passing. As hard as that was on me, I was able to hold it together, and get done what needed to be done, by no explanation of my own. That time in my life really took the fear out of dying for me. It took away the questions. My dad was sick, and in pain, and as hard as it was to let him go, he was ready and it was his time. God has perfect timing. I trust that, and have seen it play out numerous times in my life. So if God takes me home, or keeps me here for many years there is a reason, and I trust that. I can say that the one time I tried to play God and take my own life he kept me around. I am grateful for that, and also know it is not my place to play God ever again.

Someone once told me I have the gift of tears. I’m not sure if that is a gift or not, but I sure cry a lot, about everything. Happy, sad, excited, mad, there is most likely going to be tears. I’ve also been told my tears offer comfort and hope. Not that I can change it, but I will cry on! I have been blessed. In so many ways and on so many levels. I hope that there is someone that is encouraged by this. You are not alone! If you are struggling, and need help, or have things you need to get off your chest, reach out to someone, someone you can trust and that will be encouraging! Don’t be afraid. If you are in need of grace, strength and love, Cry out to Jesus. Here are some more song lyrics from Third Day, “There is hope for the help less, Rest for the weary, Love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, Mercy and healing He'll meet you wherever you are. Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus”

A verse that was given to me a while ago was Philippians 1:6, which says (The Living Bible) “And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns.” So keep trusting, God didn’t bring you this far to leave you. Although there are still sometimes I think to myself, okay God I know I said send me, but are you sure I’m ready, are you sure you want me? Take the leap of faith, here we go!

Sometimes you have to look back to move forward.

So I have been feeling like I need to post this picture recently, of me at my heaviest next to a more recent picture of myself.  I must say it is not something I have really wanted to do. When I first started losing weight, and getting "healthier" showing others my progress was such a thrill. Such a high five, well done confidence boost I guess you could say. Over the last few weeks I have really come to a new place with weight loss, health and all things associated. I am  no longer the person I was in the first picture, however I do not take for granted who that person has allowed me to become today. That person was brave enough to say, "I am sick of not being able to buy clothes at regular stores, and I am going to do something about it." Thats literally where this all started. I wanted to wear something from Hollister, because I couldn't and that was my goal. That and to wear a two piece bathing suit. It almost seems silly now, but when I was 18, it was very real. When I first lost weight it was not in the most healthy way. I will be honest, I didn't really have a clue what I was doing. I ate low fat, no fat, processed food. I went on every fade diet under the sun. I ate so much tuna fish, that to this day I still don't really care for it and lost about 80lbs.  I was obsessed with that number on the scale, the size of my clothes, calories, exercise. In a lot of ways I was no better off thin than I was fat mentally. The picture to the right is me at my thinnest, ironically wearing my coveted Hollister shirt. It was this picture that made me say to one of my friends, "Have I gotten too thin?" Was that even possible for a former fat girl? Well it was, and I had gotten too thin. It was around this point I would say I had also gotten a little too confident in my "new body." I probably went off the deep end in more ways than one, but looking back I have learned so much. I have done some really stupid things, made poor choice and ultimately had to deal with the consequences for those choices. I truly believe I am better for it. If you have ever watch the biggest loser, extreme weight loss, or any of those shows you will see that most of the people have bigger problems, and struggles than their weight. For me it all started with someone treating me in a way that made me feel out of control. So from that point on I took control of my life. Mostly in a really crappy way. Instead of someone else taking control over situations that didn't make me feel good about myself, I put myself in situations that didn't make me feel good. In some twisted way it made me feel "better" because I had done it to myself, and made that poor choice. But eventually all those poor choices caught up with me. It was at this point I decided I really needed to put God at the center of my life. I tried my best to get involved with church groups, volunteer, and spend my time being productive. In a lot of ways I became a super conservative introvert. It really wasn't until probably the past year or so that I finally have felt like "myself" again. My husband and his family basically broke my overly conservative introverted ways. Which I am not upset about at all. I feel like I am really moving in a positive direction. About six months ago I started running again. Which is when I started writing this blog as well so you can read back and see how a lot of it has played out. A trainer at my gym kept talking about how she was running a half marathon, and I thought to myself, if you don't do it now you are never going to. So I signed up, started training, and actually completed two! When I started running I had a lot of time alone, to think. I started using that time to pray, and listen to sermons on iTunes. As strange as it may sound I felt and still feel like God is calling me to run. It has given me so many opportunities to talk to people, tell them my story, and share God's word. In ways that I could not have dreamed. I have made new friends, and have committed to do things that just a few months ago seemed so far out of reach. I think maybe before all the running I was in this weird stand still place, not really sure where I was going, or what I was doing. Just stuck in a routine with no direction. Now I am starting to feel like things have purpose again. I am still not 100% where I am going, but I am 100% that I will get there when the time is right. I just ran my first race of the year yesterday and it was the jumpstart I needed to get my motivation back. I was able to tell my story yet again, and the woman that I spoke with asked me to contact her to talk further. We will just have to see how that plays out. I have to admit that I am also excited that I have become a lot of people's  friend that runs, and healthy living go to person. It is really something I love, and continue to grow in. On that note Im going to wrap this up. Thank you for reading, it was a challenging post, but I am hopeful that it had something in it that someone needed, and can motivate, and help you on your journey!

Its a New Year!

It is almost a full week into the new year, and I am feeling refreshed and blessed. I had been working and going to school like a crazy person for a few months, and having a few weeks off to relax, rest, get my house organized and catch up on some reading was very nice. The ending of one year and starting a new always makes me think back to where I was a year ago, and things that happened in the past year. 2013 was a bit of a strange year for myself, and my husband. We started the year off by paying off a car, and feeling very prepared for what was to come to having to buy a new car, and feeling like money draining events are never going to quit :(. Our entire family had a whole slew of health concerns, from cancer scares, to MS flares, a the craziest cold I have ever experienced. But 2013 wasn't all bad. My husband and I both got back on the healthy track. He has lost 40 lbs I believe, and I have lost 20. We completed 3 mud runs, and I completed 2 half marathons. All in all it was a life changing year. When I say life changing I mean, all of the runs, and information I have learned about eating healthy and taking care of my body there is no way I will look at things the same. It has also made me want to continue to improve, and set goals, and also look at how far I have come. Just 8 or 9 years ago (wow that feels like a long time), I was 212 lbs, overweight, unhappy, and in a not so pleasant place. I was on the road to recovering from a traumatic event, and coping in some not so healthy ways. I threw myself at some terrible relationships, drinking, and other not so fun things. I started losing weight but had a long way to go. Since then, I have really come a long way, and I honestly can't thank God enough for getting me far  away from those thoughts, feelings, people and places. I  heard a sermon over the weekend based around Joshua 1 and Deuteronomy 34:5-8. It touched on Trauma, holding patterns in life, and finally getting out of those holding patterns (or getting unstuck). The Four main points for getting unstuck were Heal, Listen, Prepare, and Take a Step. I can look back and see how in many ways 2013 was that leap of faith year. I can also see how I got myself into holding patterns that needed to get unstuck. Falling into lazy, less than perfect habits that need to be cleaned up and tweaked a bit. Moving into 2014 my husband and I have done a couple of things, started a weekly savings plan to save 1 dollar per week, that will increase in value by corresponding with the week of the year. So the first week of the year $1, the second week $2. We are currently working the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace Program the best that we can, by saving, paying cash, using the envelope system, and paying off debt, but this is a little booster. My husband and I also created bucket lists. But not just any bucket list, we created buckets lined with clothes pins that have our goals written on them. We each have one for ourselves, and collaberated on one for our family. As we complete the tasks we can put the pins in the bucket. Two of mine that I will be completing this year (unless something unforeseen happens) are completing a sprint triathlon, and running a marathon. I am pretty excited for both. At the beginning of my journey when I had the thought that I would like to run a marathon someday, I never thought I would be 27 doing it (as in I feel too young). This past year has brought great things into my life though. People that have inspired me, and people that have told me I inspire them (which is pretty awesome). With that being said I feel like this year will be bigger than last, and I will have an opportunity to continue to connect with others. It is a great feeling to grow, and learn and become the best version of myself. For anyone that is reading, I challenge you to do something that would inspire someone else. Think about one person that had a positive impact on you (maybe they didn't even know it), and what that impact caused you to do. In an effort to pay it forward, what can you do to positively impact someone else? A smile, putting money in an over due parking meter, paying for someones meal behind you at a drive thru, running for charity, or fitness. Everything you do, everything I do has an effect, positively or negatively. Just like Galatians 6:7 says, we reap what we sow. Also people are watching us, whether we acknowledge that or not, they are. What we say, how we act, and what we do. How do you want to be seen this year? I know I hope that it is in a positive and inspiration light! Happy New Year!