Your Plans Are Much Smaller Than The Ones I Have For You - God

It's 4 am... I just ate popcorn, fought off my dog for it and tried to not wake my husband.. I'm watching private practice on Netflix randomly scrolling social media... Then on a random picture I see the words... Trust that sometimes God has bigger plans for you.. Which is the second time I've gotten this message this week.. And I know how this works when God talks.. You hear it and think yeah that was God.. Yup, definitely.. Then you question yourself.. Then he shows you again, and again until you really listen.. 

This has been a LONG week.. I worked about 60 hours between the two jobs I have, and have been working hard with my husband to finish fixing up my moms house to put it up for sale.. You could say it's been stressful.. And it makes me start to question choices.. This week I had this moment of clarity.. It really feels like all this random chaos is starting to fall into place like dominos.. I use caution when saying this because I've seen this happen before. I'm a dreamer and I get super excited with even the slightest glimmers of hope. I'm always trying to connect the dots and figure out what the picture is going to look like... But this week I started reading The Practicing Mind by Thomas Sterner. It is about keeping yourself in the present and enjoying the journey to your goals. It really made me think about the process and perfection.. Perfection... Sometime I love trying to be at everything, all the time.. But the book makes an amazing point.. Our view of perfection, this stationary image in our head is stagnant. Because once we get to this goal that's it. Your done, but life has many lessons, and we are ever evolving and our idea of perfection should evolve as well... The author also uses the imagery of the growth of a flower as a journey. Because as humans on journeys to a goal we question the process at every point, we complain and question and just want to get to the end all ready.. Each part along the way to the goal as equally as important as the goal itself. Such as a flower growing to bloom, it sprouts and pushes through the dirt, is watered and get sunshine. At no point on its journey to becoming a flower does it question any point in the process. It's a beautiful image really if you think about it... The journey, it's something I love to look back on and reflect.. To see how far I've come. One thing I've really come to realize along my journey is that I can't have it all, all at the same time.. Which for the perfectionist that I am is a hard pill to swallow.. But I do, I've accepted it.. The hardest challenge I've faces with it all is my weight. I work a lot for a number of reasons but most days I choose work over the gym. But it is not a loss. I help people everyday. Ive gotten several complements this week about my knowledge and performance.. My part time job ran me into the ground when I was doing it full time. It made me bitter, angry and resent everything I was doing... But now that I'm not doing it full time I can step back and see all that I've learned.. I know a lot about long term care, the state insurance system, and resources.. I've been on both sides of the fence.. If the fence had 3 sides I guess you could say I've been on all 3 of them. I don't claim to know how it feels to be in anyone's shoes but I do know what it was like for me in mine. I have MS, it's never been very bad but I've had some issues with it. Mostly fatigue. I've been the patient, taking with Doctors about who aren't listening to what I'm saying, or being scared or unsure.. I've been there. My father also had MS but a much more progressive form. He progressively went from walking, to using a cane, a walker, a powerchair and then not being able to scratch his own nose.. I have felt what it's like to be a caregiver, a family member frustrated with poor care.. I be been there.. I've also been the social worker.. Working with many high needs clients all at the same time. Drained from a long trying day of emergencies and angry people. Listening to your concerns and feeling like my hands were tied between what I know you want or need and policies that are in place for everyone... Anyway, I've been there in all sides of the fence. And as I step back and see where I've been I see that maybe this place that I'm in that doesn't feel perfect is just another stepping stone in my journey. I am teaching other people in similar situations everything I know. All the things I wish I would have know and giving it back.. Right now that's where I am and that's where I'm excited to be.. I have a feeling it will continue... Full circle, i.e. writing this post about what I've learned thus far :)

It's Been a Year

It's taken me a year... To get here in a very different place. Some of the struggles are similar, in ways but not... It's kind of strange. I'm exhausted, feel a little bit defeated. But at the same time I feel like I now have the tools and am better equipped to get up and keep going instead of laying down in my misery and exhaustion. Last year I wasn't able to run the marathon I had signed up for because I didn't train enough and worked too much. In the midst of feeling defeated from that I pushed myself into continuing with school trying to pursue a graduate degree in dietetics.. I had believed whole heartedly that nutrition and health were the passions I needed to pursue!  I had tried once and failed and felt it was God's plan that had brought me back to where I had started. It was stressful and I was failing miserably... The pressure and failure made me start to question everything I was doing and everything I was... Ultimately just fell apart from the seems.. Every little thing I tried to hide, every deep dark secret and memory I thought I had put behind me began to overflow and overwhelm me to the core. I ultimately went to go talk to someone to try and sort it all out.. It was literally the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. It is now that I realize this was all part of the plan. I was put in those classes not to learn chemistry, but to learn how to deal with everything else! Myself, my issues, my anxiety... For a while I felt so defeated, so confused. So lost in my faith.... I couldn't seem to understand how I could have confused Gods plan for my life... And honestly I don't think I have. It took all of those moments of being broken down to finally be at a point I can build back up!

It has equipped me for this moment.. In the process of healing my insides, my outside was neglected.. I put on almost 30 lbs... I recently joined an 8 week fitness challenge that has really kicked my booty (literally) into high gear... It's re sparked a flame I thought had gone out! It has allowed me to recognize where I was and what got me there. My stressor and my unhealthy ways of dealing... I'm getting stronger on the inside and out! I'm not perfect and I fall short many days... But honestly I don't feel guilty or ashamed about that.. I'm human, and I'm exactly how I'm suppose to be! My life is a beautify mess EVERY DAMN DAY! And regardless if I wear baggy clothes, makeup or comb my hair I'm better than I was before! It's a balancing act, of everything I have to do want to do or will make me stronger! Everyday I can conquer one (of many) bad stress relieving habits I have won! I may have among way to go, but at least (for now), I feel like I am continuing on the right path, and hopefully can continue to have little moments to share, and inform others! You're not alone!!