It's Been a Year

It's taken me a year... To get here in a very different place. Some of the struggles are similar, in ways but not... It's kind of strange. I'm exhausted, feel a little bit defeated. But at the same time I feel like I now have the tools and am better equipped to get up and keep going instead of laying down in my misery and exhaustion. Last year I wasn't able to run the marathon I had signed up for because I didn't train enough and worked too much. In the midst of feeling defeated from that I pushed myself into continuing with school trying to pursue a graduate degree in dietetics.. I had believed whole heartedly that nutrition and health were the passions I needed to pursue!  I had tried once and failed and felt it was God's plan that had brought me back to where I had started. It was stressful and I was failing miserably... The pressure and failure made me start to question everything I was doing and everything I was... Ultimately just fell apart from the seems.. Every little thing I tried to hide, every deep dark secret and memory I thought I had put behind me began to overflow and overwhelm me to the core. I ultimately went to go talk to someone to try and sort it all out.. It was literally the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. It is now that I realize this was all part of the plan. I was put in those classes not to learn chemistry, but to learn how to deal with everything else! Myself, my issues, my anxiety... For a while I felt so defeated, so confused. So lost in my faith.... I couldn't seem to understand how I could have confused Gods plan for my life... And honestly I don't think I have. It took all of those moments of being broken down to finally be at a point I can build back up!

It has equipped me for this moment.. In the process of healing my insides, my outside was neglected.. I put on almost 30 lbs... I recently joined an 8 week fitness challenge that has really kicked my booty (literally) into high gear... It's re sparked a flame I thought had gone out! It has allowed me to recognize where I was and what got me there. My stressor and my unhealthy ways of dealing... I'm getting stronger on the inside and out! I'm not perfect and I fall short many days... But honestly I don't feel guilty or ashamed about that.. I'm human, and I'm exactly how I'm suppose to be! My life is a beautify mess EVERY DAMN DAY! And regardless if I wear baggy clothes, makeup or comb my hair I'm better than I was before! It's a balancing act, of everything I have to do want to do or will make me stronger! Everyday I can conquer one (of many) bad stress relieving habits I have won! I may have among way to go, but at least (for now), I feel like I am continuing on the right path, and hopefully can continue to have little moments to share, and inform others! You're not alone!!