It's 4 am... I just ate popcorn, fought off my dog for it and tried to not wake my husband.. I'm watching private practice on Netflix randomly scrolling social media... Then on a random picture I see the words... Trust that sometimes God has bigger plans for you.. Which is the second time I've gotten this message this week.. And I know how this works when God talks.. You hear it and think yeah that was God.. Yup, definitely.. Then you question yourself.. Then he shows you again, and again until you really listen..
This has been a LONG week.. I worked about 60 hours between the two jobs I have, and have been working hard with my husband to finish fixing up my moms house to put it up for sale.. You could say it's been stressful.. And it makes me start to question choices.. This week I had this moment of clarity.. It really feels like all this random chaos is starting to fall into place like dominos.. I use caution when saying this because I've seen this happen before. I'm a dreamer and I get super excited with even the slightest glimmers of hope. I'm always trying to connect the dots and figure out what the picture is going to look like... But this week I started reading The Practicing Mind by Thomas Sterner. It is about keeping yourself in the present and enjoying the journey to your goals. It really made me think about the process and perfection.. Perfection... Sometime I love trying to be at everything, all the time.. But the book makes an amazing point.. Our view of perfection, this stationary image in our head is stagnant. Because once we get to this goal that's it. Your done, but life has many lessons, and we are ever evolving and our idea of perfection should evolve as well... The author also uses the imagery of the growth of a flower as a journey. Because as humans on journeys to a goal we question the process at every point, we complain and question and just want to get to the end all ready.. Each part along the way to the goal as equally as important as the goal itself. Such as a flower growing to bloom, it sprouts and pushes through the dirt, is watered and get sunshine. At no point on its journey to becoming a flower does it question any point in the process. It's a beautiful image really if you think about it... The journey, it's something I love to look back on and reflect.. To see how far I've come. One thing I've really come to realize along my journey is that I can't have it all, all at the same time.. Which for the perfectionist that I am is a hard pill to swallow.. But I do, I've accepted it.. The hardest challenge I've faces with it all is my weight. I work a lot for a number of reasons but most days I choose work over the gym. But it is not a loss. I help people everyday. Ive gotten several complements this week about my knowledge and performance.. My part time job ran me into the ground when I was doing it full time. It made me bitter, angry and resent everything I was doing... But now that I'm not doing it full time I can step back and see all that I've learned.. I know a lot about long term care, the state insurance system, and resources.. I've been on both sides of the fence.. If the fence had 3 sides I guess you could say I've been on all 3 of them. I don't claim to know how it feels to be in anyone's shoes but I do know what it was like for me in mine. I have MS, it's never been very bad but I've had some issues with it. Mostly fatigue. I've been the patient, taking with Doctors about who aren't listening to what I'm saying, or being scared or unsure.. I've been there. My father also had MS but a much more progressive form. He progressively went from walking, to using a cane, a walker, a powerchair and then not being able to scratch his own nose.. I have felt what it's like to be a caregiver, a family member frustrated with poor care.. I be been there.. I've also been the social worker.. Working with many high needs clients all at the same time. Drained from a long trying day of emergencies and angry people. Listening to your concerns and feeling like my hands were tied between what I know you want or need and policies that are in place for everyone... Anyway, I've been there in all sides of the fence. And as I step back and see where I've been I see that maybe this place that I'm in that doesn't feel perfect is just another stepping stone in my journey. I am teaching other people in similar situations everything I know. All the things I wish I would have know and giving it back.. Right now that's where I am and that's where I'm excited to be.. I have a feeling it will continue... Full circle, i.e. writing this post about what I've learned thus far :)
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