Just Because It Wasn't What I Planned, Doesn't Mean It Wasn't What God Planned

I started a post last week about letting go of running this marathon I had been going around in circles about. Once I finally tried to change my entry I found out that it was going to cost me the same amount of money to downgrade as it was to initially register, and needless to say I don't want to spend that kind of money.. So I'm in a whole new place with that. This week has been a huge wake up call, and learning experience for a number of reasons. For the past couple of months I had been half hearted following an autoimmune protocol to help my MS. In the 12 years I have had this disease it has not really affected me much. I often thinking and say how amazing it is that I am doing so well, but take it for granted regularly. Recently I have been stressed with work, and contemplating running this marathon. I haven't been eating right, with the excuse that I'm doing so well, maybe my diet isn't that big of a deal. I was starting to not feel so good recently, but not enough to stop what I was doing. Until this week. It's sometimes hard to explain to people that I am sick, when I am up walking around completing normal day to day tasks. But I have been sick! This week my hands, feet and lips were completely numb. I have had stabbing pains in my leg. I've been dizzy, nauseous, and so exhausted that making something to eat for myself was a struggle that required breaks. I had a dream that I was paralyzed and woke up screaming for my husband to help. It was pretty terrifying. I watched my father become paralyzed from MS, and see this on a regular basis with my job. I am not the type of person that is going to lay down and take pity on myself because I have a chronic disease. However I do understand why people do, and become depressed. Ending up in a wheelchair, may be in my future, or it may not... That is something I don't know right now. However, this week has really made me realize how precious everyday is. Regardless if I have MS or not. Freak accidents happen, life happens, and tomorrow is not promised. I need to take the best care of this body I have, and thank God for every day that I am breathing. I want to do the most with my days, to educate myself, and help others. However, there comes a point where you need to rest.
     I do a lot of reading (and audio reading), because I love to learn, think and be challenged. Ive recently been reading the book of Genesis. In Chapter two it discusses how God RESTED from ALL the work. How often does this happen in our lives? For myself not very often, and when it does I feel guilty. We live in this world where time is money, and money is power. Where we are constantly trying to climb this unachievable ladder. Where we are doing everything for everyone, and having to say no, or give something up means failure. For myself I am task and detail oriented, TO THE EXTREME! I am learning how controlling I am, and that it is not necessarily a good thing. However I know I am not the only one. Most days I roll out of bed and work all day, probably a little later than I should with little or no breaks, or time to eat. Then I rush to workout, back home to finish up things around the house, eat dinner while doing the dishes, prep food for the next day, sit down to relax, and remember things I forgot, or emails/work things I should do really quick or make a note to do the next day... Relaxing never happens... The weekend rolls around, and I try to catch up on all the things I missed during the week, grocery shopping, laundry, bills, bathing the dog... So an entire day of rest to lay in my jammies, and read a book and take a nap never seems to happen. This is our normal. I see it all the time, in the world around me. That when our bodies become so run down, and we get sick, we want the fastest solution, or drug to take it away so we can return to our INSANELY over scheduled lives without missing a beat. This has become such the norm, that companies are now offering a service that allows you to skype or phone a physician that can diagnose your illness without having to ever leave the office, and order a prescription to your nearest pharmacy. WHAT?!? Since when did we stop listening to our bodies, or taking care of them? They were designed, and created to be so amazing, heal themselves, maintain balance, and protect us. From our hair and fingernails, to the membranes and organelles inside our cells. They all work together for a purpose. The vitamins, minerals, plants and animals that are on this earth were created to allow our bodies to run optimally, yet the majority of us eat little to produce.... Think about that for a minute? We get frustrated at our bodies for letting us down, yet we let our bodies down on a regular basis. I know I need to sleep more, and me a better steward of this amazing body I have been given. I am realizing that I don't need to be everything to everyone. What I need is to continue to seek God, and his purpose, and remember to serve him first and not others or myself... Its a process that is for sure! I will continue to make an effort to sleep, rest, and reflect to make sure that I am trusting the Lord with all my heart so that he is able to keep my path straight. <3

Sometimes at the End of the Day, All That's Left Is You and God

So it wasn't until today, while I was sitting at my desk crying, thinking to myself. Wow, I have really lost track. I have really let so many things that give me joy, make me healthy, make me ME, allow me to spend time with God, and reflect, just go.... And for what? For the praise of people. To something I knew I was suppose to let go and walk away from months ago. How did I get here? How did this happen? And there was nothing left but tears... Let me back track for a moment, and explain a few things.

So I've been STRUGGLING in all sense of the word to train for this marathon. It is about 2 months away, and I am feeling defeated. My motivation is awful, my runs are awful, and I have just been dreading the thought. Maybe this is normal, but it doesn't feel normal for me. I love running! I love being outside, listening to books, and podcasts, watching the animals, and praying. I used to say that all I needed was Jesus and my running shoes, and I meant that! But lately running has become a chore. I have less than 2 weeks to make a final decision as to whether or not I am going to down grade my registration, or transfer it to someone else, and have really been feeling the pressure to commit and be a BAD A** or admit defeat in this marathon. Looking back at last years half marathon, the experience had brought me to so many people, to have so many conversations, and had been something I felt really  called to do. I thought pretty strongly that this year would be the same, and it hasn't been. I have pretty good idea as to why. COMPROMISE. I was given an opportunity late last year that when it was presented to me, I knew was the right option. I took it, and soon started to feel like this opportunity had taking the shining center stage of my life, and knew I needed to let it go. My stress was to the max, I wasn't running, or eating right, I was in a terrible mood all the time, I didn't spend time with husband, or God... And this Golden opportunity had become an idol in my life. I tried to back away from it, I literally just wanted to be done, go back to the way things were.... Then the compromises set in. Well I'm just going to finish this, and Ill just do this one last thing... And then its 4 months later and you sitting at your desk crying because all those little things have put you in a really big mess. How often do we do this though? Im just going to miss one run, or one week at church, or eat one cookie, or watch one more episode of some trashy TV show... Its the little things, good and bad.. I am reminded every day how amazingly blessed I am in every sense of the word! My husband is amazing, and family, I have a good job that has allowed us to pay for both my husband and myself to go to school without crazy loans, I have roof over my head, and am privileged enough to buy healthy foods, and seek alternative health practices. I have the ability to walk and RUN, after being diagnosed with MS 12 years ago! Yet somehow I still take all of this for granted. With out intentionally doing it. I make compromises and go in the complete opposite direction from where I know God has pointed me. I do a lot of reading, and watching of documentaries. ( I am a GIANT NERD). A few that I have run into recently where about the reasons why most people are unhappy in life. Most of them being that they have a passion for one thing, then settling for something else. Such as a career, or a mate, or whatever it is. They know that their potential is greater, yet most people talk themselves right out of where they really should be. WHY DO WE SETTLE? Fear, comfort, disbelief, reasoning? Probably all of the above. Do we somehow think that whatever we are doing is better than what God is telling us to do? Probably not right up front, but through a little compromise.. I see myself doing this a lot, reasoning. Thinking, okay Im going back to school, Im going to open a wellness center, and reach other because thats what I am being called to do. Then I think, that is going to take so long. I have a good job. When will we ever have kids? When will we ever buy a house? I hate being in school! I could take a semester off to have some real time with my husband.... Then I have completely come off track. Where was God in that? My focus wasn't on God, my focus was on ME! My focus was on everyone around me, and what they thought. The societal NORM. Which brings me back to today. I have gotten so focused on being PERFECT, saying yes to everyone, and everything, that I have lost my focus and balance with God. Some one told me the other day, that I need to remember who Im working for. Remember who has given me all of these things, because at the end of the day, thats really the only opinion that matters. Last year when I was gearing up for my first half marathon someone told me that a lot of times in endurance races the only thing that you have left at the end of the race is yourself and God, and that's what's going to get you to the finish line... And maybe that is my answer. I was pretty convinced earlier crying at my desk that it was too late for me. I had posted the question to a running page Im on, whether or not I should drop down my registration... The responses to my question had been very mixed. The last response basically said why do something half way, barely make it under the time, and under trained? At which I agreed. However, I am thinking back to when my husband and I got married. When a family member said, "There is never going to be a perfect time. There will always be school, or money, or not having a house or whatever, but sometimes you have to just do it... And maybe that's just what Ill do.. Because really, when is training for a marathon going to be easy? Probably right after I stop making excuses, and compromises, I put my focus where it needs to be! I just wish it wouldn't have taken me 4 months to figure it out!! I need to stop saying yes to all the the expectations this world has for me, stop reluctantly agreeing to things I know I should say no to. Me saying yes to things I should be saying no to could be putting things in the way of other opportunities, or not blessing someone else to have an opportunity. 

God also gave me this verse yesterday, which goes right along with today. Exodus 18:17-18 Moses' father in law replied,"what you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone." 

I'm about there, just plain old worn out. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I have to start letting go, and letting God in. Because if I continue down this path too much longer, there will be nothing left to give.

My Not So Cookie Cutter Life

So the past few days I have been in this, whoa is me, why is everything so hard, why can't I just get to the end of whatever this is and take the shortcut? Questioning, for the 100th time if where I am going is where I should be going, and if maybe I am being called for something else, maybe I need to be a part of something else, another ministry that's already established, or maybe this wasn't God at all, maybe this was something I just dreamed up Type of FUNK! Currently I am in school, for the second time in hopes of becoming a dietitian. I started pursuing this 7 years ago the first time I was in college, and for a number of reasons decided that I needed to obtain a degree in Social Work. I felt the tug a year or so ago that I needed to go back to school to pursue nutrition and health more actively. I have tossed around majors, and career paths, and after lots of prayer have really felt that I have been brought back full circle to where I have started. My ultimate goal at this point seems to be to open a cafe/juice bar/fitness studio, that could be a ministry/outreach with community gardens, classes and education about health, and natural approaches... That is really where I feel like I am being pulled. The main reasoning in my head to become a dietitian is to really understand the make up of our bodies, and have some scientific knowledge of food and the process of how it all connects. On top of all of this fun stuff I am suppose to be training for a marathon that is about 14 weeks away. I have missed tons of runs, and have not been able to get my head in it this time around. Yesterday I decided to get my weekly distance run in before the weekend started so that I couldn't some how talk myself out of it. The run ended up being more of a walk, but I got the miles in and it ended up being an amazing night to spend with God. I also went to church this evening, and heard a very similar message, and was given the same verses that I had been last night. In an effort to make my posts shorter and more reasonable to read I am going to make bullets and summarize what I have learned in hopes it will help you!

• God needs to be first in all things, once your focus is on him, and you are in tune you will be going in the right direction
• Once you realize where you should be going, and what you should be doing STOP TRYING TO RATIONALIZE AND REASON all the details and convince yourself that its not really God!
• Stop worrying about the future, and the past. Be in the present moment, and enjoy every second of this journey (Matthew 6:31-34 and Philipians 4:6)
• There were also lots of bunnies, birds and deer on my walk, including a mother and two babies which reminded me of the verse (Psalms 42:1). Seeing this image reminded me that we are so disconnected from everything around us a lot of the time, in an effort to be more connected with everyone else on social media.
• I need to go through all of the tough times now, because it will most likely get harder, people will speak negatively toward what I am doing, and I need to have the strength to stand in faith against that (Matthew 5:10-12). I was also reminded of Joseph, and ALL that he went through (Genesis 37-41)
• With this being said, I have had a slight taste of management, and it is frustrating! In owning a business, or being in charges of more people I am going to continue to run into challenges, and I NEED more experience in this! 
• I need to stop comparing myself to where everyone else is on their journey! This journey is my own, and I have a lot of lessons to learn I am sure! While in church tonight the preacher said that Jesus was about 30 before he started performing any miracles. This was comforting because I will be about 31 when I am done with school. (John 1)

Tonight's message was all about seeking the Lord and where we each should be, and going through the yuck and he muck of it all to go where God is calling you to go. The journey, or pilgrimage  Psalms: 84:5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

My prayer for myself and anyone else who is feeling this way is that we will continue to focus on the Lord and his purpose for our life, and walk in the fullness of the Holy Spirit!