So it wasn't until today, while I was sitting at my desk crying, thinking to myself. Wow, I have really lost track. I have really let so many things that give me joy, make me healthy, make me ME, allow me to spend time with God, and reflect, just go.... And for what? For the praise of people. To something I knew I was suppose to let go and walk away from months ago. How did I get here? How did this happen? And there was nothing left but tears... Let me back track for a moment, and explain a few things.
So I've been STRUGGLING in all sense of the word to train for this marathon. It is about 2 months away, and I am feeling defeated. My motivation is awful, my runs are awful, and I have just been dreading the thought. Maybe this is normal, but it doesn't feel normal for me. I love running! I love being outside, listening to books, and podcasts, watching the animals, and praying. I used to say that all I needed was Jesus and my running shoes, and I meant that! But lately running has become a chore. I have less than 2 weeks to make a final decision as to whether or not I am going to down grade my registration, or transfer it to someone else, and have really been feeling the pressure to commit and be a BAD A** or admit defeat in this marathon. Looking back at last years half marathon, the experience had brought me to so many people, to have so many conversations, and had been something I felt really called to do. I thought pretty strongly that this year would be the same, and it hasn't been. I have pretty good idea as to why. COMPROMISE. I was given an opportunity late last year that when it was presented to me, I knew was the right option. I took it, and soon started to feel like this opportunity had taking the shining center stage of my life, and knew I needed to let it go. My stress was to the max, I wasn't running, or eating right, I was in a terrible mood all the time, I didn't spend time with husband, or God... And this Golden opportunity had become an idol in my life. I tried to back away from it, I literally just wanted to be done, go back to the way things were.... Then the compromises set in. Well I'm just going to finish this, and Ill just do this one last thing... And then its 4 months later and you sitting at your desk crying because all those little things have put you in a really big mess. How often do we do this though? Im just going to miss one run, or one week at church, or eat one cookie, or watch one more episode of some trashy TV show... Its the little things, good and bad.. I am reminded every day how amazingly blessed I am in every sense of the word! My husband is amazing, and family, I have a good job that has allowed us to pay for both my husband and myself to go to school without crazy loans, I have roof over my head, and am privileged enough to buy healthy foods, and seek alternative health practices. I have the ability to walk and RUN, after being diagnosed with MS 12 years ago! Yet somehow I still take all of this for granted. With out intentionally doing it. I make compromises and go in the complete opposite direction from where I know God has pointed me. I do a lot of reading, and watching of documentaries. ( I am a GIANT NERD). A few that I have run into recently where about the reasons why most people are unhappy in life. Most of them being that they have a passion for one thing, then settling for something else. Such as a career, or a mate, or whatever it is. They know that their potential is greater, yet most people talk themselves right out of where they really should be. WHY DO WE SETTLE? Fear, comfort, disbelief, reasoning? Probably all of the above. Do we somehow think that whatever we are doing is better than what God is telling us to do? Probably not right up front, but through a little compromise.. I see myself doing this a lot, reasoning. Thinking, okay Im going back to school, Im going to open a wellness center, and reach other because thats what I am being called to do. Then I think, that is going to take so long. I have a good job. When will we ever have kids? When will we ever buy a house? I hate being in school! I could take a semester off to have some real time with my husband.... Then I have completely come off track. Where was God in that? My focus wasn't on God, my focus was on ME! My focus was on everyone around me, and what they thought. The societal NORM. Which brings me back to today. I have gotten so focused on being PERFECT, saying yes to everyone, and everything, that I have lost my focus and balance with God. Some one told me the other day, that I need to remember who Im working for. Remember who has given me all of these things, because at the end of the day, thats really the only opinion that matters. Last year when I was gearing up for my first half marathon someone told me that a lot of times in endurance races the only thing that you have left at the end of the race is yourself and God, and that's what's going to get you to the finish line... And maybe that is my answer. I was pretty convinced earlier crying at my desk that it was too late for me. I had posted the question to a running page Im on, whether or not I should drop down my registration... The responses to my question had been very mixed. The last response basically said why do something half way, barely make it under the time, and under trained? At which I agreed. However, I am thinking back to when my husband and I got married. When a family member said, "There is never going to be a perfect time. There will always be school, or money, or not having a house or whatever, but sometimes you have to just do it... And maybe that's just what Ill do.. Because really, when is training for a marathon going to be easy? Probably right after I stop making excuses, and compromises, I put my focus where it needs to be! I just wish it wouldn't have taken me 4 months to figure it out!! I need to stop saying yes to all the the expectations this world has for me, stop reluctantly agreeing to things I know I should say no to. Me saying yes to things I should be saying no to could be putting things in the way of other opportunities, or not blessing someone else to have an opportunity.
God also gave me this verse yesterday, which goes right along with today. Exodus 18:17-18 Moses' father in law replied,"what you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone."
I'm about there, just plain old worn out. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I have to start letting go, and letting God in. Because if I continue down this path too much longer, there will be nothing left to give.
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