I Am A Social Worker

Why am I a social worker? I ask myself that a lot sometimes... It's stressful, it's heartbreaking.. It often brings up situations from my own life that are not very pleasant.. I fought myself for years about going to graduate school.. With the hopes that I could somehow how beat the standards of not being an MSW... But I've finally given in.. That in itself is terrifying.. I'm in tons of student loan debt, TONS! And I am not sure what the future will hold after graduation... Or how in the world I am going to juggle my life and school, but I'm taking the plunge.. I'm taking the plunge for all of those good moments.. For the conversations with clients in which they were appreciative of the information I provided, for the moments in which I was able to explain the information someone was looking for in a way no one had before... For conversations with co-workers that allowed them to have a new perspective on their own life and what they were doing... I am doing this because I've been in therapy for YEARS! I've had some amazing therapists, and some really terrible ones... And I'm going to be one of the good ones! Ive been a child caregiver, I've been on the other side trying to fight for my family... I've lost a parent, after seeing them struggle with their loss of independence... I've been sexually assaulted, I've been overweight, I've been bullied for both.. I've tried to take my own life... And I know how the desperation, and solitude of how that feels.. I've been bullied for that too... I've been bullied for speaking up, and I've made myself small for others.. I've lost myself to it all at times, and attempted to cope and take control in self destructive ways... Sometimes it's a struggle to be okay, and many things can trigger all the sad feelings about any one particular situation.. But I still show up... I show up for work, I will show up for class, and an internship... I show up to life every single day.. And I fight! Life is really ugly sometimes.. But if I can tell my story, and one less person feels alone, my struggles have not been in vain... I've learned so much, and processed it a lot.. I've read so many books, and listened to podcasts.. And I've become a different person. But through it all I've survived. I have a good job, an amazing husband, a home in a good neighborhood, and I'm alive... We all have different roles in this world and I know this is mine.. I'm a social worker... 

Your Plans Are Much Smaller Than The Ones I Have For You - God

It's 4 am... I just ate popcorn, fought off my dog for it and tried to not wake my husband.. I'm watching private practice on Netflix randomly scrolling social media... Then on a random picture I see the words... Trust that sometimes God has bigger plans for you.. Which is the second time I've gotten this message this week.. And I know how this works when God talks.. You hear it and think yeah that was God.. Yup, definitely.. Then you question yourself.. Then he shows you again, and again until you really listen.. 

This has been a LONG week.. I worked about 60 hours between the two jobs I have, and have been working hard with my husband to finish fixing up my moms house to put it up for sale.. You could say it's been stressful.. And it makes me start to question choices.. This week I had this moment of clarity.. It really feels like all this random chaos is starting to fall into place like dominos.. I use caution when saying this because I've seen this happen before. I'm a dreamer and I get super excited with even the slightest glimmers of hope. I'm always trying to connect the dots and figure out what the picture is going to look like... But this week I started reading The Practicing Mind by Thomas Sterner. It is about keeping yourself in the present and enjoying the journey to your goals. It really made me think about the process and perfection.. Perfection... Sometime I love trying to be at everything, all the time.. But the book makes an amazing point.. Our view of perfection, this stationary image in our head is stagnant. Because once we get to this goal that's it. Your done, but life has many lessons, and we are ever evolving and our idea of perfection should evolve as well... The author also uses the imagery of the growth of a flower as a journey. Because as humans on journeys to a goal we question the process at every point, we complain and question and just want to get to the end all ready.. Each part along the way to the goal as equally as important as the goal itself. Such as a flower growing to bloom, it sprouts and pushes through the dirt, is watered and get sunshine. At no point on its journey to becoming a flower does it question any point in the process. It's a beautiful image really if you think about it... The journey, it's something I love to look back on and reflect.. To see how far I've come. One thing I've really come to realize along my journey is that I can't have it all, all at the same time.. Which for the perfectionist that I am is a hard pill to swallow.. But I do, I've accepted it.. The hardest challenge I've faces with it all is my weight. I work a lot for a number of reasons but most days I choose work over the gym. But it is not a loss. I help people everyday. Ive gotten several complements this week about my knowledge and performance.. My part time job ran me into the ground when I was doing it full time. It made me bitter, angry and resent everything I was doing... But now that I'm not doing it full time I can step back and see all that I've learned.. I know a lot about long term care, the state insurance system, and resources.. I've been on both sides of the fence.. If the fence had 3 sides I guess you could say I've been on all 3 of them. I don't claim to know how it feels to be in anyone's shoes but I do know what it was like for me in mine. I have MS, it's never been very bad but I've had some issues with it. Mostly fatigue. I've been the patient, taking with Doctors about who aren't listening to what I'm saying, or being scared or unsure.. I've been there. My father also had MS but a much more progressive form. He progressively went from walking, to using a cane, a walker, a powerchair and then not being able to scratch his own nose.. I have felt what it's like to be a caregiver, a family member frustrated with poor care.. I be been there.. I've also been the social worker.. Working with many high needs clients all at the same time. Drained from a long trying day of emergencies and angry people. Listening to your concerns and feeling like my hands were tied between what I know you want or need and policies that are in place for everyone... Anyway, I've been there in all sides of the fence. And as I step back and see where I've been I see that maybe this place that I'm in that doesn't feel perfect is just another stepping stone in my journey. I am teaching other people in similar situations everything I know. All the things I wish I would have know and giving it back.. Right now that's where I am and that's where I'm excited to be.. I have a feeling it will continue... Full circle, i.e. writing this post about what I've learned thus far :)

It's Been a Year

It's taken me a year... To get here in a very different place. Some of the struggles are similar, in ways but not... It's kind of strange. I'm exhausted, feel a little bit defeated. But at the same time I feel like I now have the tools and am better equipped to get up and keep going instead of laying down in my misery and exhaustion. Last year I wasn't able to run the marathon I had signed up for because I didn't train enough and worked too much. In the midst of feeling defeated from that I pushed myself into continuing with school trying to pursue a graduate degree in dietetics.. I had believed whole heartedly that nutrition and health were the passions I needed to pursue!  I had tried once and failed and felt it was God's plan that had brought me back to where I had started. It was stressful and I was failing miserably... The pressure and failure made me start to question everything I was doing and everything I was... Ultimately just fell apart from the seems.. Every little thing I tried to hide, every deep dark secret and memory I thought I had put behind me began to overflow and overwhelm me to the core. I ultimately went to go talk to someone to try and sort it all out.. It was literally the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. It is now that I realize this was all part of the plan. I was put in those classes not to learn chemistry, but to learn how to deal with everything else! Myself, my issues, my anxiety... For a while I felt so defeated, so confused. So lost in my faith.... I couldn't seem to understand how I could have confused Gods plan for my life... And honestly I don't think I have. It took all of those moments of being broken down to finally be at a point I can build back up!

It has equipped me for this moment.. In the process of healing my insides, my outside was neglected.. I put on almost 30 lbs... I recently joined an 8 week fitness challenge that has really kicked my booty (literally) into high gear... It's re sparked a flame I thought had gone out! It has allowed me to recognize where I was and what got me there. My stressor and my unhealthy ways of dealing... I'm getting stronger on the inside and out! I'm not perfect and I fall short many days... But honestly I don't feel guilty or ashamed about that.. I'm human, and I'm exactly how I'm suppose to be! My life is a beautify mess EVERY DAMN DAY! And regardless if I wear baggy clothes, makeup or comb my hair I'm better than I was before! It's a balancing act, of everything I have to do want to do or will make me stronger! Everyday I can conquer one (of many) bad stress relieving habits I have won! I may have among way to go, but at least (for now), I feel like I am continuing on the right path, and hopefully can continue to have little moments to share, and inform others! You're not alone!!

God Will Show Up!

So I started a few posts over the past couple of weeks that I apparently never finished or posted. So this might be a long one because I've had some revelations. This summer was far too short! Mostly because I took on too much, and I got in a rut. I was discouraged, frustrated and feeling stuck in a way I never have before. I was working on things I probably should have said no to. No, that I definitely should have said no to. Trying to juggle it all, and make everyone happy, while killing myself and becoming miserable. It has been a real struggle to "make the right choice." I have doubted, second guessed and battled myself about it. I think I have finally let all go, and Jesus has grabbed my hand to say, "Now that wasn't so hard now was it?" I feel like I have finally awoken from the pit of doom I had been in. I have made the initiatives to let some of those things go that I shouldn't have been doing, such as some new projects I had volunteered myself for, and running a marathon this fall. Letting go of the marathon was really tough for me, and somewhere in the midst of doing that I completely let running go. (I am hoping to get much needed run in this week.) Making the final decision to not run the marathon I have signed up for broke my heart in a lot of ways. It made me feel like a failure. I had re-dedicated myself to doing the run over and over. I had made up in my mind that not doing it wasn't an option. Then it became the only option. Maybe if I wouldn't have let everything else get in the way, I would still be running it. Yet, I did, and I'm not... So anyways back to the revelation part of this..
I had been praying to God to get me unstuck, and getting so wrapped up in my own junk that it just was not happening. I heard a sermon a couple of weeks ago, about how sometimes in our life God shows up SUDDENLY. Yet until that happens we need to remain faithful, and prepare. Most times things just appear to happen "Suddenly" after long periods of preparation. I then heard another sermon regarding restoring your vision, and the biggest battles we face that make us lose focus. So currently my vision is to open a space to educate people on nutrition, exercise, body image, with some sort of cafe, hands on garden type scenario. I keep referring to it as a wellness center. I have been back in school making an effort to obtain a license as a registered dietitian. I really enjoy understanding how things work, and the bigger picture. I'm hoping to also become a yoga instructor somewhere along this journey as well. The sermon regarding restoring my vision SCREAMED to me. It referenced the parable in Luke 15 regarding the lost sheep. It discussed the parable from Luke that if one sheep was lost from 99, going and saving it. The pastor made the joke, that if it were him, he would probably let the sheep go. How that we often let things go God has called us to do thinking that someone else will do it, or that it is a lost cause. Which is where my mind goes a lot. In my little world immersed in natural health and nutrition. I feel like I am so over flooded with trainers, nutritionists, and people promoting natural health, that there may not be room for me to make a difference. That if I do survive all of this schooling, that I won't have a job, or my business idea will never get off the ground because there are other people doing what I hope to do. I don't necessarily think what I am doing is futile, but its a little scary sometimes. Sometimes for the moment, it seems like it is much easier to stay stuck right where I'm at. This morning I went to church and felt very much in a rhythm. Like I was in this pattern, along with everyone around me. There was a strong part of me that thought, where did the passion go? Where is the fire in myself or in the people around me to shout from the roof tops about how awesome our God is?  To be so filled with the spirit that walk away feeling renewed. The only picture of this I have to reference was from the one and only mission trip I've been on. I was in Guatemala, singing in a church where I didn't speak the language, I didn't know the songs. Yet, somehow before any of us realized we had been singing, and dancing, and praising Jesus for an hour and the entire church was on fire. Not literally, but with the Spirit of Lord (lame joke, I feel like this would make my husband laugh, but he doesn't read my blog). I think back on how there have been many points in my life where I was so ready to go wherever God called, and how I have lost that somehow along the way. Ive been reading the book, Kisses from Kate. It's written by a girl that became a missionary in Uganda. Her story is amazing, and has really been speaking to me in a lot of ways regarding God's call on my life. As I was reading today, she talked about how fear can paralyze us sometimes. How it can cause us to stay, and be stuck. That God didn't give us the spirit of fear but that he tells us in  2 Timothy 1:7 For the spirit Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. Not mediocre and fearful. That beyond our fear, is the full life that God has called us to live. That fear is something so small compared to the greatness of God. She talks about how God frequently calls people that are common, or ill equipped for great things. The thing that made them different is that they answered God's call on their life. She also talks about how many times people say, "God never gives us more than we can handle." as a comfort. Yet maybe he does, not to break us, but so that we are more reliant on him. She also goes on to say, that we pray for big things from God all the time. If we expect him to do big things in our life, why would we not expect for him ask us to do big things? Oh yeah, I'm going to have to do a little work here too. Someone said to me this week, "I wish I knew what to do, that the right answer would just smack me over the head." What if it does, what if it is? What if it isn't the answer we were hoping for, or it doesn't show up how we had imagined. Sometimes I think we expect the clouds to part, and Jesus to walk down from Heaven and say this what you should do. Yet even if that happened, it would be such an insane thing that we probably wouldn't believe that either. Many years ago, I don't even remember what I was praying for, or why I was upset. I was praying, outside, and said God, just show me a sign that you're here. Out of nowhere, this bunny appeared in front of me, and I started crying. I knew that, this was my sign. To this day, when I am going through rough patches, and praying for reassurance I see bunnies more than normal, and feel comfort that God's got it. Another time before I got married, people had asked me how I knew my husband was, "the one." The truth was I didn't. How do you answer a question like that, how do you know? Everyone gets divorced these days, how did I know this was the right decision? So one day as I was driving to work, on a cloudy, rainy day I was praying, "God, how do I know this is the right decision? That this man is the one I should marry?" In that moment the clouds parted and the sun came out, and somehow I knew God was telling me that this was good, and was the right decision. This brings me to the revelation I had today.. I think sometimes we get so stuck in the same rut, that we say these half hearted prayers, not expecting God to show up. Not expecting anything to be different, or to happen. What if, we got filled with the spirit, prayed big exciting awesome prayers that we knew God would give an answer to. He is the God of the Universe after all. He tells us in Psalms 37:4 to take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Maybe not as fast as we would like sometimes, God's timing is perfect. On that note, the last and final topic that keeps popping up lately. Is having faith in God's timing and to stop taking matters into my own hands. Such as in the story of Sarah and Abraham. God promised them children, and they waited, and waited some more. When Sarah had the brilliant idea to have her husband sleep with their slave to have a child. Then God says, no, that was not what I meant. He finally gives them a child way after child bearing age. It's God. The same God that created the universe, all of the animals, and people, why do we think that somehow we are going to fast forward through to the answer? Seems pretty silly when I think of it like that. So with that being said, God put these desires in us wanting us to step up to his call. When we finally say pick me God, send me. We have to be willing to go, be willing to do great things, in his name in his strength, and wait for his timing... And PRAY, BIG PRAYERS and have faith that God will answer.

Just Because It Wasn't What I Planned, Doesn't Mean It Wasn't What God Planned

I started a post last week about letting go of running this marathon I had been going around in circles about. Once I finally tried to change my entry I found out that it was going to cost me the same amount of money to downgrade as it was to initially register, and needless to say I don't want to spend that kind of money.. So I'm in a whole new place with that. This week has been a huge wake up call, and learning experience for a number of reasons. For the past couple of months I had been half hearted following an autoimmune protocol to help my MS. In the 12 years I have had this disease it has not really affected me much. I often thinking and say how amazing it is that I am doing so well, but take it for granted regularly. Recently I have been stressed with work, and contemplating running this marathon. I haven't been eating right, with the excuse that I'm doing so well, maybe my diet isn't that big of a deal. I was starting to not feel so good recently, but not enough to stop what I was doing. Until this week. It's sometimes hard to explain to people that I am sick, when I am up walking around completing normal day to day tasks. But I have been sick! This week my hands, feet and lips were completely numb. I have had stabbing pains in my leg. I've been dizzy, nauseous, and so exhausted that making something to eat for myself was a struggle that required breaks. I had a dream that I was paralyzed and woke up screaming for my husband to help. It was pretty terrifying. I watched my father become paralyzed from MS, and see this on a regular basis with my job. I am not the type of person that is going to lay down and take pity on myself because I have a chronic disease. However I do understand why people do, and become depressed. Ending up in a wheelchair, may be in my future, or it may not... That is something I don't know right now. However, this week has really made me realize how precious everyday is. Regardless if I have MS or not. Freak accidents happen, life happens, and tomorrow is not promised. I need to take the best care of this body I have, and thank God for every day that I am breathing. I want to do the most with my days, to educate myself, and help others. However, there comes a point where you need to rest.
     I do a lot of reading (and audio reading), because I love to learn, think and be challenged. Ive recently been reading the book of Genesis. In Chapter two it discusses how God RESTED from ALL the work. How often does this happen in our lives? For myself not very often, and when it does I feel guilty. We live in this world where time is money, and money is power. Where we are constantly trying to climb this unachievable ladder. Where we are doing everything for everyone, and having to say no, or give something up means failure. For myself I am task and detail oriented, TO THE EXTREME! I am learning how controlling I am, and that it is not necessarily a good thing. However I know I am not the only one. Most days I roll out of bed and work all day, probably a little later than I should with little or no breaks, or time to eat. Then I rush to workout, back home to finish up things around the house, eat dinner while doing the dishes, prep food for the next day, sit down to relax, and remember things I forgot, or emails/work things I should do really quick or make a note to do the next day... Relaxing never happens... The weekend rolls around, and I try to catch up on all the things I missed during the week, grocery shopping, laundry, bills, bathing the dog... So an entire day of rest to lay in my jammies, and read a book and take a nap never seems to happen. This is our normal. I see it all the time, in the world around me. That when our bodies become so run down, and we get sick, we want the fastest solution, or drug to take it away so we can return to our INSANELY over scheduled lives without missing a beat. This has become such the norm, that companies are now offering a service that allows you to skype or phone a physician that can diagnose your illness without having to ever leave the office, and order a prescription to your nearest pharmacy. WHAT?!? Since when did we stop listening to our bodies, or taking care of them? They were designed, and created to be so amazing, heal themselves, maintain balance, and protect us. From our hair and fingernails, to the membranes and organelles inside our cells. They all work together for a purpose. The vitamins, minerals, plants and animals that are on this earth were created to allow our bodies to run optimally, yet the majority of us eat little to produce.... Think about that for a minute? We get frustrated at our bodies for letting us down, yet we let our bodies down on a regular basis. I know I need to sleep more, and me a better steward of this amazing body I have been given. I am realizing that I don't need to be everything to everyone. What I need is to continue to seek God, and his purpose, and remember to serve him first and not others or myself... Its a process that is for sure! I will continue to make an effort to sleep, rest, and reflect to make sure that I am trusting the Lord with all my heart so that he is able to keep my path straight. <3

Sometimes at the End of the Day, All That's Left Is You and God

So it wasn't until today, while I was sitting at my desk crying, thinking to myself. Wow, I have really lost track. I have really let so many things that give me joy, make me healthy, make me ME, allow me to spend time with God, and reflect, just go.... And for what? For the praise of people. To something I knew I was suppose to let go and walk away from months ago. How did I get here? How did this happen? And there was nothing left but tears... Let me back track for a moment, and explain a few things.

So I've been STRUGGLING in all sense of the word to train for this marathon. It is about 2 months away, and I am feeling defeated. My motivation is awful, my runs are awful, and I have just been dreading the thought. Maybe this is normal, but it doesn't feel normal for me. I love running! I love being outside, listening to books, and podcasts, watching the animals, and praying. I used to say that all I needed was Jesus and my running shoes, and I meant that! But lately running has become a chore. I have less than 2 weeks to make a final decision as to whether or not I am going to down grade my registration, or transfer it to someone else, and have really been feeling the pressure to commit and be a BAD A** or admit defeat in this marathon. Looking back at last years half marathon, the experience had brought me to so many people, to have so many conversations, and had been something I felt really  called to do. I thought pretty strongly that this year would be the same, and it hasn't been. I have pretty good idea as to why. COMPROMISE. I was given an opportunity late last year that when it was presented to me, I knew was the right option. I took it, and soon started to feel like this opportunity had taking the shining center stage of my life, and knew I needed to let it go. My stress was to the max, I wasn't running, or eating right, I was in a terrible mood all the time, I didn't spend time with husband, or God... And this Golden opportunity had become an idol in my life. I tried to back away from it, I literally just wanted to be done, go back to the way things were.... Then the compromises set in. Well I'm just going to finish this, and Ill just do this one last thing... And then its 4 months later and you sitting at your desk crying because all those little things have put you in a really big mess. How often do we do this though? Im just going to miss one run, or one week at church, or eat one cookie, or watch one more episode of some trashy TV show... Its the little things, good and bad.. I am reminded every day how amazingly blessed I am in every sense of the word! My husband is amazing, and family, I have a good job that has allowed us to pay for both my husband and myself to go to school without crazy loans, I have roof over my head, and am privileged enough to buy healthy foods, and seek alternative health practices. I have the ability to walk and RUN, after being diagnosed with MS 12 years ago! Yet somehow I still take all of this for granted. With out intentionally doing it. I make compromises and go in the complete opposite direction from where I know God has pointed me. I do a lot of reading, and watching of documentaries. ( I am a GIANT NERD). A few that I have run into recently where about the reasons why most people are unhappy in life. Most of them being that they have a passion for one thing, then settling for something else. Such as a career, or a mate, or whatever it is. They know that their potential is greater, yet most people talk themselves right out of where they really should be. WHY DO WE SETTLE? Fear, comfort, disbelief, reasoning? Probably all of the above. Do we somehow think that whatever we are doing is better than what God is telling us to do? Probably not right up front, but through a little compromise.. I see myself doing this a lot, reasoning. Thinking, okay Im going back to school, Im going to open a wellness center, and reach other because thats what I am being called to do. Then I think, that is going to take so long. I have a good job. When will we ever have kids? When will we ever buy a house? I hate being in school! I could take a semester off to have some real time with my husband.... Then I have completely come off track. Where was God in that? My focus wasn't on God, my focus was on ME! My focus was on everyone around me, and what they thought. The societal NORM. Which brings me back to today. I have gotten so focused on being PERFECT, saying yes to everyone, and everything, that I have lost my focus and balance with God. Some one told me the other day, that I need to remember who Im working for. Remember who has given me all of these things, because at the end of the day, thats really the only opinion that matters. Last year when I was gearing up for my first half marathon someone told me that a lot of times in endurance races the only thing that you have left at the end of the race is yourself and God, and that's what's going to get you to the finish line... And maybe that is my answer. I was pretty convinced earlier crying at my desk that it was too late for me. I had posted the question to a running page Im on, whether or not I should drop down my registration... The responses to my question had been very mixed. The last response basically said why do something half way, barely make it under the time, and under trained? At which I agreed. However, I am thinking back to when my husband and I got married. When a family member said, "There is never going to be a perfect time. There will always be school, or money, or not having a house or whatever, but sometimes you have to just do it... And maybe that's just what Ill do.. Because really, when is training for a marathon going to be easy? Probably right after I stop making excuses, and compromises, I put my focus where it needs to be! I just wish it wouldn't have taken me 4 months to figure it out!! I need to stop saying yes to all the the expectations this world has for me, stop reluctantly agreeing to things I know I should say no to. Me saying yes to things I should be saying no to could be putting things in the way of other opportunities, or not blessing someone else to have an opportunity. 

God also gave me this verse yesterday, which goes right along with today. Exodus 18:17-18 Moses' father in law replied,"what you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone." 

I'm about there, just plain old worn out. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I have to start letting go, and letting God in. Because if I continue down this path too much longer, there will be nothing left to give.

My Not So Cookie Cutter Life

So the past few days I have been in this, whoa is me, why is everything so hard, why can't I just get to the end of whatever this is and take the shortcut? Questioning, for the 100th time if where I am going is where I should be going, and if maybe I am being called for something else, maybe I need to be a part of something else, another ministry that's already established, or maybe this wasn't God at all, maybe this was something I just dreamed up Type of FUNK! Currently I am in school, for the second time in hopes of becoming a dietitian. I started pursuing this 7 years ago the first time I was in college, and for a number of reasons decided that I needed to obtain a degree in Social Work. I felt the tug a year or so ago that I needed to go back to school to pursue nutrition and health more actively. I have tossed around majors, and career paths, and after lots of prayer have really felt that I have been brought back full circle to where I have started. My ultimate goal at this point seems to be to open a cafe/juice bar/fitness studio, that could be a ministry/outreach with community gardens, classes and education about health, and natural approaches... That is really where I feel like I am being pulled. The main reasoning in my head to become a dietitian is to really understand the make up of our bodies, and have some scientific knowledge of food and the process of how it all connects. On top of all of this fun stuff I am suppose to be training for a marathon that is about 14 weeks away. I have missed tons of runs, and have not been able to get my head in it this time around. Yesterday I decided to get my weekly distance run in before the weekend started so that I couldn't some how talk myself out of it. The run ended up being more of a walk, but I got the miles in and it ended up being an amazing night to spend with God. I also went to church this evening, and heard a very similar message, and was given the same verses that I had been last night. In an effort to make my posts shorter and more reasonable to read I am going to make bullets and summarize what I have learned in hopes it will help you!

• God needs to be first in all things, once your focus is on him, and you are in tune you will be going in the right direction
• Once you realize where you should be going, and what you should be doing STOP TRYING TO RATIONALIZE AND REASON all the details and convince yourself that its not really God!
• Stop worrying about the future, and the past. Be in the present moment, and enjoy every second of this journey (Matthew 6:31-34 and Philipians 4:6)
• There were also lots of bunnies, birds and deer on my walk, including a mother and two babies which reminded me of the verse (Psalms 42:1). Seeing this image reminded me that we are so disconnected from everything around us a lot of the time, in an effort to be more connected with everyone else on social media.
• I need to go through all of the tough times now, because it will most likely get harder, people will speak negatively toward what I am doing, and I need to have the strength to stand in faith against that (Matthew 5:10-12). I was also reminded of Joseph, and ALL that he went through (Genesis 37-41)
• With this being said, I have had a slight taste of management, and it is frustrating! In owning a business, or being in charges of more people I am going to continue to run into challenges, and I NEED more experience in this! 
• I need to stop comparing myself to where everyone else is on their journey! This journey is my own, and I have a lot of lessons to learn I am sure! While in church tonight the preacher said that Jesus was about 30 before he started performing any miracles. This was comforting because I will be about 31 when I am done with school. (John 1)

Tonight's message was all about seeking the Lord and where we each should be, and going through the yuck and he muck of it all to go where God is calling you to go. The journey, or pilgrimage  Psalms: 84:5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

My prayer for myself and anyone else who is feeling this way is that we will continue to focus on the Lord and his purpose for our life, and walk in the fullness of the Holy Spirit!