I Am A Social Worker

Why am I a social worker? I ask myself that a lot sometimes... It's stressful, it's heartbreaking.. It often brings up situations from my own life that are not very pleasant.. I fought myself for years about going to graduate school.. With the hopes that I could somehow how beat the standards of not being an MSW... But I've finally given in.. That in itself is terrifying.. I'm in tons of student loan debt, TONS! And I am not sure what the future will hold after graduation... Or how in the world I am going to juggle my life and school, but I'm taking the plunge.. I'm taking the plunge for all of those good moments.. For the conversations with clients in which they were appreciative of the information I provided, for the moments in which I was able to explain the information someone was looking for in a way no one had before... For conversations with co-workers that allowed them to have a new perspective on their own life and what they were doing... I am doing this because I've been in therapy for YEARS! I've had some amazing therapists, and some really terrible ones... And I'm going to be one of the good ones! Ive been a child caregiver, I've been on the other side trying to fight for my family... I've lost a parent, after seeing them struggle with their loss of independence... I've been sexually assaulted, I've been overweight, I've been bullied for both.. I've tried to take my own life... And I know how the desperation, and solitude of how that feels.. I've been bullied for that too... I've been bullied for speaking up, and I've made myself small for others.. I've lost myself to it all at times, and attempted to cope and take control in self destructive ways... Sometimes it's a struggle to be okay, and many things can trigger all the sad feelings about any one particular situation.. But I still show up... I show up for work, I will show up for class, and an internship... I show up to life every single day.. And I fight! Life is really ugly sometimes.. But if I can tell my story, and one less person feels alone, my struggles have not been in vain... I've learned so much, and processed it a lot.. I've read so many books, and listened to podcasts.. And I've become a different person. But through it all I've survived. I have a good job, an amazing husband, a home in a good neighborhood, and I'm alive... We all have different roles in this world and I know this is mine.. I'm a social worker... 

Your Plans Are Much Smaller Than The Ones I Have For You - God

It's 4 am... I just ate popcorn, fought off my dog for it and tried to not wake my husband.. I'm watching private practice on Netflix randomly scrolling social media... Then on a random picture I see the words... Trust that sometimes God has bigger plans for you.. Which is the second time I've gotten this message this week.. And I know how this works when God talks.. You hear it and think yeah that was God.. Yup, definitely.. Then you question yourself.. Then he shows you again, and again until you really listen.. 

This has been a LONG week.. I worked about 60 hours between the two jobs I have, and have been working hard with my husband to finish fixing up my moms house to put it up for sale.. You could say it's been stressful.. And it makes me start to question choices.. This week I had this moment of clarity.. It really feels like all this random chaos is starting to fall into place like dominos.. I use caution when saying this because I've seen this happen before. I'm a dreamer and I get super excited with even the slightest glimmers of hope. I'm always trying to connect the dots and figure out what the picture is going to look like... But this week I started reading The Practicing Mind by Thomas Sterner. It is about keeping yourself in the present and enjoying the journey to your goals. It really made me think about the process and perfection.. Perfection... Sometime I love trying to be at everything, all the time.. But the book makes an amazing point.. Our view of perfection, this stationary image in our head is stagnant. Because once we get to this goal that's it. Your done, but life has many lessons, and we are ever evolving and our idea of perfection should evolve as well... The author also uses the imagery of the growth of a flower as a journey. Because as humans on journeys to a goal we question the process at every point, we complain and question and just want to get to the end all ready.. Each part along the way to the goal as equally as important as the goal itself. Such as a flower growing to bloom, it sprouts and pushes through the dirt, is watered and get sunshine. At no point on its journey to becoming a flower does it question any point in the process. It's a beautiful image really if you think about it... The journey, it's something I love to look back on and reflect.. To see how far I've come. One thing I've really come to realize along my journey is that I can't have it all, all at the same time.. Which for the perfectionist that I am is a hard pill to swallow.. But I do, I've accepted it.. The hardest challenge I've faces with it all is my weight. I work a lot for a number of reasons but most days I choose work over the gym. But it is not a loss. I help people everyday. Ive gotten several complements this week about my knowledge and performance.. My part time job ran me into the ground when I was doing it full time. It made me bitter, angry and resent everything I was doing... But now that I'm not doing it full time I can step back and see all that I've learned.. I know a lot about long term care, the state insurance system, and resources.. I've been on both sides of the fence.. If the fence had 3 sides I guess you could say I've been on all 3 of them. I don't claim to know how it feels to be in anyone's shoes but I do know what it was like for me in mine. I have MS, it's never been very bad but I've had some issues with it. Mostly fatigue. I've been the patient, taking with Doctors about who aren't listening to what I'm saying, or being scared or unsure.. I've been there. My father also had MS but a much more progressive form. He progressively went from walking, to using a cane, a walker, a powerchair and then not being able to scratch his own nose.. I have felt what it's like to be a caregiver, a family member frustrated with poor care.. I be been there.. I've also been the social worker.. Working with many high needs clients all at the same time. Drained from a long trying day of emergencies and angry people. Listening to your concerns and feeling like my hands were tied between what I know you want or need and policies that are in place for everyone... Anyway, I've been there in all sides of the fence. And as I step back and see where I've been I see that maybe this place that I'm in that doesn't feel perfect is just another stepping stone in my journey. I am teaching other people in similar situations everything I know. All the things I wish I would have know and giving it back.. Right now that's where I am and that's where I'm excited to be.. I have a feeling it will continue... Full circle, i.e. writing this post about what I've learned thus far :)

It's Been a Year

It's taken me a year... To get here in a very different place. Some of the struggles are similar, in ways but not... It's kind of strange. I'm exhausted, feel a little bit defeated. But at the same time I feel like I now have the tools and am better equipped to get up and keep going instead of laying down in my misery and exhaustion. Last year I wasn't able to run the marathon I had signed up for because I didn't train enough and worked too much. In the midst of feeling defeated from that I pushed myself into continuing with school trying to pursue a graduate degree in dietetics.. I had believed whole heartedly that nutrition and health were the passions I needed to pursue!  I had tried once and failed and felt it was God's plan that had brought me back to where I had started. It was stressful and I was failing miserably... The pressure and failure made me start to question everything I was doing and everything I was... Ultimately just fell apart from the seems.. Every little thing I tried to hide, every deep dark secret and memory I thought I had put behind me began to overflow and overwhelm me to the core. I ultimately went to go talk to someone to try and sort it all out.. It was literally the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. It is now that I realize this was all part of the plan. I was put in those classes not to learn chemistry, but to learn how to deal with everything else! Myself, my issues, my anxiety... For a while I felt so defeated, so confused. So lost in my faith.... I couldn't seem to understand how I could have confused Gods plan for my life... And honestly I don't think I have. It took all of those moments of being broken down to finally be at a point I can build back up!

It has equipped me for this moment.. In the process of healing my insides, my outside was neglected.. I put on almost 30 lbs... I recently joined an 8 week fitness challenge that has really kicked my booty (literally) into high gear... It's re sparked a flame I thought had gone out! It has allowed me to recognize where I was and what got me there. My stressor and my unhealthy ways of dealing... I'm getting stronger on the inside and out! I'm not perfect and I fall short many days... But honestly I don't feel guilty or ashamed about that.. I'm human, and I'm exactly how I'm suppose to be! My life is a beautify mess EVERY DAMN DAY! And regardless if I wear baggy clothes, makeup or comb my hair I'm better than I was before! It's a balancing act, of everything I have to do want to do or will make me stronger! Everyday I can conquer one (of many) bad stress relieving habits I have won! I may have among way to go, but at least (for now), I feel like I am continuing on the right path, and hopefully can continue to have little moments to share, and inform others! You're not alone!!

God Will Show Up!

So I started a few posts over the past couple of weeks that I apparently never finished or posted. So this might be a long one because I've had some revelations. This summer was far too short! Mostly because I took on too much, and I got in a rut. I was discouraged, frustrated and feeling stuck in a way I never have before. I was working on things I probably should have said no to. No, that I definitely should have said no to. Trying to juggle it all, and make everyone happy, while killing myself and becoming miserable. It has been a real struggle to "make the right choice." I have doubted, second guessed and battled myself about it. I think I have finally let all go, and Jesus has grabbed my hand to say, "Now that wasn't so hard now was it?" I feel like I have finally awoken from the pit of doom I had been in. I have made the initiatives to let some of those things go that I shouldn't have been doing, such as some new projects I had volunteered myself for, and running a marathon this fall. Letting go of the marathon was really tough for me, and somewhere in the midst of doing that I completely let running go. (I am hoping to get much needed run in this week.) Making the final decision to not run the marathon I have signed up for broke my heart in a lot of ways. It made me feel like a failure. I had re-dedicated myself to doing the run over and over. I had made up in my mind that not doing it wasn't an option. Then it became the only option. Maybe if I wouldn't have let everything else get in the way, I would still be running it. Yet, I did, and I'm not... So anyways back to the revelation part of this..
I had been praying to God to get me unstuck, and getting so wrapped up in my own junk that it just was not happening. I heard a sermon a couple of weeks ago, about how sometimes in our life God shows up SUDDENLY. Yet until that happens we need to remain faithful, and prepare. Most times things just appear to happen "Suddenly" after long periods of preparation. I then heard another sermon regarding restoring your vision, and the biggest battles we face that make us lose focus. So currently my vision is to open a space to educate people on nutrition, exercise, body image, with some sort of cafe, hands on garden type scenario. I keep referring to it as a wellness center. I have been back in school making an effort to obtain a license as a registered dietitian. I really enjoy understanding how things work, and the bigger picture. I'm hoping to also become a yoga instructor somewhere along this journey as well. The sermon regarding restoring my vision SCREAMED to me. It referenced the parable in Luke 15 regarding the lost sheep. It discussed the parable from Luke that if one sheep was lost from 99, going and saving it. The pastor made the joke, that if it were him, he would probably let the sheep go. How that we often let things go God has called us to do thinking that someone else will do it, or that it is a lost cause. Which is where my mind goes a lot. In my little world immersed in natural health and nutrition. I feel like I am so over flooded with trainers, nutritionists, and people promoting natural health, that there may not be room for me to make a difference. That if I do survive all of this schooling, that I won't have a job, or my business idea will never get off the ground because there are other people doing what I hope to do. I don't necessarily think what I am doing is futile, but its a little scary sometimes. Sometimes for the moment, it seems like it is much easier to stay stuck right where I'm at. This morning I went to church and felt very much in a rhythm. Like I was in this pattern, along with everyone around me. There was a strong part of me that thought, where did the passion go? Where is the fire in myself or in the people around me to shout from the roof tops about how awesome our God is?  To be so filled with the spirit that walk away feeling renewed. The only picture of this I have to reference was from the one and only mission trip I've been on. I was in Guatemala, singing in a church where I didn't speak the language, I didn't know the songs. Yet, somehow before any of us realized we had been singing, and dancing, and praising Jesus for an hour and the entire church was on fire. Not literally, but with the Spirit of Lord (lame joke, I feel like this would make my husband laugh, but he doesn't read my blog). I think back on how there have been many points in my life where I was so ready to go wherever God called, and how I have lost that somehow along the way. Ive been reading the book, Kisses from Kate. It's written by a girl that became a missionary in Uganda. Her story is amazing, and has really been speaking to me in a lot of ways regarding God's call on my life. As I was reading today, she talked about how fear can paralyze us sometimes. How it can cause us to stay, and be stuck. That God didn't give us the spirit of fear but that he tells us in  2 Timothy 1:7 For the spirit Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. Not mediocre and fearful. That beyond our fear, is the full life that God has called us to live. That fear is something so small compared to the greatness of God. She talks about how God frequently calls people that are common, or ill equipped for great things. The thing that made them different is that they answered God's call on their life. She also talks about how many times people say, "God never gives us more than we can handle." as a comfort. Yet maybe he does, not to break us, but so that we are more reliant on him. She also goes on to say, that we pray for big things from God all the time. If we expect him to do big things in our life, why would we not expect for him ask us to do big things? Oh yeah, I'm going to have to do a little work here too. Someone said to me this week, "I wish I knew what to do, that the right answer would just smack me over the head." What if it does, what if it is? What if it isn't the answer we were hoping for, or it doesn't show up how we had imagined. Sometimes I think we expect the clouds to part, and Jesus to walk down from Heaven and say this what you should do. Yet even if that happened, it would be such an insane thing that we probably wouldn't believe that either. Many years ago, I don't even remember what I was praying for, or why I was upset. I was praying, outside, and said God, just show me a sign that you're here. Out of nowhere, this bunny appeared in front of me, and I started crying. I knew that, this was my sign. To this day, when I am going through rough patches, and praying for reassurance I see bunnies more than normal, and feel comfort that God's got it. Another time before I got married, people had asked me how I knew my husband was, "the one." The truth was I didn't. How do you answer a question like that, how do you know? Everyone gets divorced these days, how did I know this was the right decision? So one day as I was driving to work, on a cloudy, rainy day I was praying, "God, how do I know this is the right decision? That this man is the one I should marry?" In that moment the clouds parted and the sun came out, and somehow I knew God was telling me that this was good, and was the right decision. This brings me to the revelation I had today.. I think sometimes we get so stuck in the same rut, that we say these half hearted prayers, not expecting God to show up. Not expecting anything to be different, or to happen. What if, we got filled with the spirit, prayed big exciting awesome prayers that we knew God would give an answer to. He is the God of the Universe after all. He tells us in Psalms 37:4 to take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Maybe not as fast as we would like sometimes, God's timing is perfect. On that note, the last and final topic that keeps popping up lately. Is having faith in God's timing and to stop taking matters into my own hands. Such as in the story of Sarah and Abraham. God promised them children, and they waited, and waited some more. When Sarah had the brilliant idea to have her husband sleep with their slave to have a child. Then God says, no, that was not what I meant. He finally gives them a child way after child bearing age. It's God. The same God that created the universe, all of the animals, and people, why do we think that somehow we are going to fast forward through to the answer? Seems pretty silly when I think of it like that. So with that being said, God put these desires in us wanting us to step up to his call. When we finally say pick me God, send me. We have to be willing to go, be willing to do great things, in his name in his strength, and wait for his timing... And PRAY, BIG PRAYERS and have faith that God will answer.

Just Because It Wasn't What I Planned, Doesn't Mean It Wasn't What God Planned

I started a post last week about letting go of running this marathon I had been going around in circles about. Once I finally tried to change my entry I found out that it was going to cost me the same amount of money to downgrade as it was to initially register, and needless to say I don't want to spend that kind of money.. So I'm in a whole new place with that. This week has been a huge wake up call, and learning experience for a number of reasons. For the past couple of months I had been half hearted following an autoimmune protocol to help my MS. In the 12 years I have had this disease it has not really affected me much. I often thinking and say how amazing it is that I am doing so well, but take it for granted regularly. Recently I have been stressed with work, and contemplating running this marathon. I haven't been eating right, with the excuse that I'm doing so well, maybe my diet isn't that big of a deal. I was starting to not feel so good recently, but not enough to stop what I was doing. Until this week. It's sometimes hard to explain to people that I am sick, when I am up walking around completing normal day to day tasks. But I have been sick! This week my hands, feet and lips were completely numb. I have had stabbing pains in my leg. I've been dizzy, nauseous, and so exhausted that making something to eat for myself was a struggle that required breaks. I had a dream that I was paralyzed and woke up screaming for my husband to help. It was pretty terrifying. I watched my father become paralyzed from MS, and see this on a regular basis with my job. I am not the type of person that is going to lay down and take pity on myself because I have a chronic disease. However I do understand why people do, and become depressed. Ending up in a wheelchair, may be in my future, or it may not... That is something I don't know right now. However, this week has really made me realize how precious everyday is. Regardless if I have MS or not. Freak accidents happen, life happens, and tomorrow is not promised. I need to take the best care of this body I have, and thank God for every day that I am breathing. I want to do the most with my days, to educate myself, and help others. However, there comes a point where you need to rest.
     I do a lot of reading (and audio reading), because I love to learn, think and be challenged. Ive recently been reading the book of Genesis. In Chapter two it discusses how God RESTED from ALL the work. How often does this happen in our lives? For myself not very often, and when it does I feel guilty. We live in this world where time is money, and money is power. Where we are constantly trying to climb this unachievable ladder. Where we are doing everything for everyone, and having to say no, or give something up means failure. For myself I am task and detail oriented, TO THE EXTREME! I am learning how controlling I am, and that it is not necessarily a good thing. However I know I am not the only one. Most days I roll out of bed and work all day, probably a little later than I should with little or no breaks, or time to eat. Then I rush to workout, back home to finish up things around the house, eat dinner while doing the dishes, prep food for the next day, sit down to relax, and remember things I forgot, or emails/work things I should do really quick or make a note to do the next day... Relaxing never happens... The weekend rolls around, and I try to catch up on all the things I missed during the week, grocery shopping, laundry, bills, bathing the dog... So an entire day of rest to lay in my jammies, and read a book and take a nap never seems to happen. This is our normal. I see it all the time, in the world around me. That when our bodies become so run down, and we get sick, we want the fastest solution, or drug to take it away so we can return to our INSANELY over scheduled lives without missing a beat. This has become such the norm, that companies are now offering a service that allows you to skype or phone a physician that can diagnose your illness without having to ever leave the office, and order a prescription to your nearest pharmacy. WHAT?!? Since when did we stop listening to our bodies, or taking care of them? They were designed, and created to be so amazing, heal themselves, maintain balance, and protect us. From our hair and fingernails, to the membranes and organelles inside our cells. They all work together for a purpose. The vitamins, minerals, plants and animals that are on this earth were created to allow our bodies to run optimally, yet the majority of us eat little to produce.... Think about that for a minute? We get frustrated at our bodies for letting us down, yet we let our bodies down on a regular basis. I know I need to sleep more, and me a better steward of this amazing body I have been given. I am realizing that I don't need to be everything to everyone. What I need is to continue to seek God, and his purpose, and remember to serve him first and not others or myself... Its a process that is for sure! I will continue to make an effort to sleep, rest, and reflect to make sure that I am trusting the Lord with all my heart so that he is able to keep my path straight. <3

Sometimes at the End of the Day, All That's Left Is You and God

So it wasn't until today, while I was sitting at my desk crying, thinking to myself. Wow, I have really lost track. I have really let so many things that give me joy, make me healthy, make me ME, allow me to spend time with God, and reflect, just go.... And for what? For the praise of people. To something I knew I was suppose to let go and walk away from months ago. How did I get here? How did this happen? And there was nothing left but tears... Let me back track for a moment, and explain a few things.

So I've been STRUGGLING in all sense of the word to train for this marathon. It is about 2 months away, and I am feeling defeated. My motivation is awful, my runs are awful, and I have just been dreading the thought. Maybe this is normal, but it doesn't feel normal for me. I love running! I love being outside, listening to books, and podcasts, watching the animals, and praying. I used to say that all I needed was Jesus and my running shoes, and I meant that! But lately running has become a chore. I have less than 2 weeks to make a final decision as to whether or not I am going to down grade my registration, or transfer it to someone else, and have really been feeling the pressure to commit and be a BAD A** or admit defeat in this marathon. Looking back at last years half marathon, the experience had brought me to so many people, to have so many conversations, and had been something I felt really  called to do. I thought pretty strongly that this year would be the same, and it hasn't been. I have pretty good idea as to why. COMPROMISE. I was given an opportunity late last year that when it was presented to me, I knew was the right option. I took it, and soon started to feel like this opportunity had taking the shining center stage of my life, and knew I needed to let it go. My stress was to the max, I wasn't running, or eating right, I was in a terrible mood all the time, I didn't spend time with husband, or God... And this Golden opportunity had become an idol in my life. I tried to back away from it, I literally just wanted to be done, go back to the way things were.... Then the compromises set in. Well I'm just going to finish this, and Ill just do this one last thing... And then its 4 months later and you sitting at your desk crying because all those little things have put you in a really big mess. How often do we do this though? Im just going to miss one run, or one week at church, or eat one cookie, or watch one more episode of some trashy TV show... Its the little things, good and bad.. I am reminded every day how amazingly blessed I am in every sense of the word! My husband is amazing, and family, I have a good job that has allowed us to pay for both my husband and myself to go to school without crazy loans, I have roof over my head, and am privileged enough to buy healthy foods, and seek alternative health practices. I have the ability to walk and RUN, after being diagnosed with MS 12 years ago! Yet somehow I still take all of this for granted. With out intentionally doing it. I make compromises and go in the complete opposite direction from where I know God has pointed me. I do a lot of reading, and watching of documentaries. ( I am a GIANT NERD). A few that I have run into recently where about the reasons why most people are unhappy in life. Most of them being that they have a passion for one thing, then settling for something else. Such as a career, or a mate, or whatever it is. They know that their potential is greater, yet most people talk themselves right out of where they really should be. WHY DO WE SETTLE? Fear, comfort, disbelief, reasoning? Probably all of the above. Do we somehow think that whatever we are doing is better than what God is telling us to do? Probably not right up front, but through a little compromise.. I see myself doing this a lot, reasoning. Thinking, okay Im going back to school, Im going to open a wellness center, and reach other because thats what I am being called to do. Then I think, that is going to take so long. I have a good job. When will we ever have kids? When will we ever buy a house? I hate being in school! I could take a semester off to have some real time with my husband.... Then I have completely come off track. Where was God in that? My focus wasn't on God, my focus was on ME! My focus was on everyone around me, and what they thought. The societal NORM. Which brings me back to today. I have gotten so focused on being PERFECT, saying yes to everyone, and everything, that I have lost my focus and balance with God. Some one told me the other day, that I need to remember who Im working for. Remember who has given me all of these things, because at the end of the day, thats really the only opinion that matters. Last year when I was gearing up for my first half marathon someone told me that a lot of times in endurance races the only thing that you have left at the end of the race is yourself and God, and that's what's going to get you to the finish line... And maybe that is my answer. I was pretty convinced earlier crying at my desk that it was too late for me. I had posted the question to a running page Im on, whether or not I should drop down my registration... The responses to my question had been very mixed. The last response basically said why do something half way, barely make it under the time, and under trained? At which I agreed. However, I am thinking back to when my husband and I got married. When a family member said, "There is never going to be a perfect time. There will always be school, or money, or not having a house or whatever, but sometimes you have to just do it... And maybe that's just what Ill do.. Because really, when is training for a marathon going to be easy? Probably right after I stop making excuses, and compromises, I put my focus where it needs to be! I just wish it wouldn't have taken me 4 months to figure it out!! I need to stop saying yes to all the the expectations this world has for me, stop reluctantly agreeing to things I know I should say no to. Me saying yes to things I should be saying no to could be putting things in the way of other opportunities, or not blessing someone else to have an opportunity. 

God also gave me this verse yesterday, which goes right along with today. Exodus 18:17-18 Moses' father in law replied,"what you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone." 

I'm about there, just plain old worn out. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I have to start letting go, and letting God in. Because if I continue down this path too much longer, there will be nothing left to give.

My Not So Cookie Cutter Life

So the past few days I have been in this, whoa is me, why is everything so hard, why can't I just get to the end of whatever this is and take the shortcut? Questioning, for the 100th time if where I am going is where I should be going, and if maybe I am being called for something else, maybe I need to be a part of something else, another ministry that's already established, or maybe this wasn't God at all, maybe this was something I just dreamed up Type of FUNK! Currently I am in school, for the second time in hopes of becoming a dietitian. I started pursuing this 7 years ago the first time I was in college, and for a number of reasons decided that I needed to obtain a degree in Social Work. I felt the tug a year or so ago that I needed to go back to school to pursue nutrition and health more actively. I have tossed around majors, and career paths, and after lots of prayer have really felt that I have been brought back full circle to where I have started. My ultimate goal at this point seems to be to open a cafe/juice bar/fitness studio, that could be a ministry/outreach with community gardens, classes and education about health, and natural approaches... That is really where I feel like I am being pulled. The main reasoning in my head to become a dietitian is to really understand the make up of our bodies, and have some scientific knowledge of food and the process of how it all connects. On top of all of this fun stuff I am suppose to be training for a marathon that is about 14 weeks away. I have missed tons of runs, and have not been able to get my head in it this time around. Yesterday I decided to get my weekly distance run in before the weekend started so that I couldn't some how talk myself out of it. The run ended up being more of a walk, but I got the miles in and it ended up being an amazing night to spend with God. I also went to church this evening, and heard a very similar message, and was given the same verses that I had been last night. In an effort to make my posts shorter and more reasonable to read I am going to make bullets and summarize what I have learned in hopes it will help you!

• God needs to be first in all things, once your focus is on him, and you are in tune you will be going in the right direction
• Once you realize where you should be going, and what you should be doing STOP TRYING TO RATIONALIZE AND REASON all the details and convince yourself that its not really God!
• Stop worrying about the future, and the past. Be in the present moment, and enjoy every second of this journey (Matthew 6:31-34 and Philipians 4:6)
• There were also lots of bunnies, birds and deer on my walk, including a mother and two babies which reminded me of the verse (Psalms 42:1). Seeing this image reminded me that we are so disconnected from everything around us a lot of the time, in an effort to be more connected with everyone else on social media.
• I need to go through all of the tough times now, because it will most likely get harder, people will speak negatively toward what I am doing, and I need to have the strength to stand in faith against that (Matthew 5:10-12). I was also reminded of Joseph, and ALL that he went through (Genesis 37-41)
• With this being said, I have had a slight taste of management, and it is frustrating! In owning a business, or being in charges of more people I am going to continue to run into challenges, and I NEED more experience in this! 
• I need to stop comparing myself to where everyone else is on their journey! This journey is my own, and I have a lot of lessons to learn I am sure! While in church tonight the preacher said that Jesus was about 30 before he started performing any miracles. This was comforting because I will be about 31 when I am done with school. (John 1)

Tonight's message was all about seeking the Lord and where we each should be, and going through the yuck and he muck of it all to go where God is calling you to go. The journey, or pilgrimage  Psalms: 84:5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

My prayer for myself and anyone else who is feeling this way is that we will continue to focus on the Lord and his purpose for our life, and walk in the fullness of the Holy Spirit! 

Its Not Really About The Weight, Or Is It?

So the past few weeks I have really been working on some heart issues that have been swept under the rug for a while, and started poking back up. I've been digging into my Bible and praying about them and feel a ton better so its all good! The other day I got to noticing how the same person was talking myself, and someone that was a little heavier, female and about my age. Maybe I am taking it out of context, who knows, but it really seemed this way. This person was talking to the heavier girl, as though she was less than, or stupid, then would turn around to me and completely different. This person was super nice to me, and patted me on the back. Now this person didn't have a mean tone, and the other person did not seem to be offended to how they were talking. It really made me start to think though, was it easier being a fat girl?  I could be funny, and nice and no one looked twice at me. Now when I am funny or nice, it is sometimes taken out of context, and I realize I need to be careful. Careful in that at times you can tell on peoples faces that they think I am being flirty. WHICH IM NOT! I was discussing this with a friend who said she had experience similar things. Not because she is over weight, but because she went from not wearing make up, and casual clothing, to wearing make up and dressing professionally. This bothers me, on so many levels. It has also really made me start to think, do I act this way, Im I nicer to people that have a nicer outwardly appearance? If so, why? Are we not called to love everyone, and treat everyone with the same amount of "niceness" or respect? I am sure it is not just with people that are overweight, but clothing, make up and hair. Too how can I better arm myself to the way others see me, to be filled with Christ's love, and grounded in his purpose, and his vision for me, and who I am so that other's do not have such an impact? Food for thought!

It's Been 1 Year

It was a year ago this Memorial Day that I started a quest to heal myself with food. At that time, I had chronic headaches that no one could seem to find a cause for. Our family had been driving back from a trip and I started watching documentaries on Netflix. I stumbled across Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. If you haven’t watched it you should!! I bought a juicer immediately when we got home, and juiced everything! I started researching holistic healing and nutrition, read watched, and listened to everything and anything I could get my hands on about nutrition. My family literally wanted to throw things at me because this was all I could talk about and was completely enthralled by all of the information available. I also found a Dr that complete allergy testing on me, and found the culprit to my headaches! GLUTEN! I to some extent knew breading on foods gave me headaches. Such as chicken, or fried fish, and had learned to avoid these foods over the years. Yet since gluten is in the majority of all processed foods, from chocolate chips, licorice, to tomato soup, its hard to know specifically know what food is triggering your symptoms. After more than 2 months of a headache that would not go away, I was happy to say goodbye to gluten! I can also say I rarely get headaches at all anymore. For as long as I can remember I would get headaches or migranes at least a couple of times a week, and now its been months.

Over the past year I have gained so much knowledge! Not only about gluten sensitivity, but about auto-immune disease, healing your cells from the inside out, vitamins, minerals, fat, carb, protein ratios, fermented foods, leaky gut, inflammation, and the list goes on! I have found myself on a new quest, with a couple of goals. First I want to heal my body from the inside out of Multiple Sclerosis, two NO MORE MEDICATION! I have been injecting myself with immune suppressant drugs for the past 12 years, and taking stimulants for the past year, and I am over it! I also want to help educate others and keep learning! There really is so much information available it could make your head explode!

Recently I read (listened to an audiobook), Dr. Teri Wahl’s book, Wahl’s Protocol. If you have not heard this woman’s story google her, she is amazing. In short she had chronic progressive MS, and went from being wheelchair bound to walking and riding a bike using paleo principles to heal herself. The book is amazing to say the least. It really breaks down what to do, how to do it, and the science behind it. I have been doing my best at the diet for a couple of weeks. I have eaten so many green vegetables, and produce its unbelievable! I am hopeful that I will continue to get better, and this will become easier. I have made fermented dishes twice including saukraut, which I had never eaten in my life! I am drinking kombucha, and have even made chicken liver! Its definitely new territory for me! I am also starting to use essential oils. I used tea tree oil on my sunburn, and have been putting lavendar and lemon on my head and feet to help me sleep at night. Its working! I am slightly amazed at how well its working, but I am really excited! As I get my eating a little more regulated, I am starting to look at beauty products, and household cleaners I use and the chemical impact its having. I started using natural deodorant, and have started to do some research on sunscreen. Although I don’t have all the answers on this topic, I will say that it disturbed me to read that the sunscreen I had been using absorbs into the skin to change how the chemical reactions of the UV rays that are absorbed. It changes our bodies normal chemical reaction? Ick, so many other questions, and so much more to discover and learn!

I want to end with a couple of things. For those of you that are thinking, glutens bad, dairies bad, chemicals, processed food, and everything else is going to kill me, who cares! I just want to say  you have to keep it all in perspective, based on is importance to you. For me nutrition, minimizing toxins, and eliminating build up is important for me to achieve my goals. For you it may not be. However, I would encourage you to be aware of what you are putting in your mouth, and on your skin, or exposing your home to as opposed to blinding doing things. Make an educated choice. Making changes is not easy, and can be expensive, and time consuming. Just make educated choices, keeping goals, finances and your personal factors in mind.

Secondly, everyone is on a different journey. I can see how the fact that I have MS, and am a former fat kid is a HUGE part of who I am. If it weren’t for these two huge factors I literally have no idea what my life would look like, or what my interests would be. Your story may be vastly different, or the same. Either is okay, I am going to keep sharing my story to be an inspiration, and educate others with what Ive learned!

With all of that being said, I am hopeful that I can re-prioritize some things this summer, and make regular blogging one of them. There have been so many times I have thought, I should write this down, and haven’t. Im going to start! Happy Summer (2^nd day!)!!

Unexplainable Peace

God has really been speaking to me today, and making me very aware of some of the gifts I do have. I must say, I often just considered myself a weird-o, and not gifted. I guess that can be left up for debate... So today it was mentioned how people being sick and approaching their last days can often times be a time of the people around them to learn, grow and draw closer to the Lord. I can see this in many ways. There are a lot of people that struggle with the thought of sickness, or a loved one dying. To some extent I guess I have had those emotions too. However, through God's amazing grace I have been granted an unexplainable peace regarding this subject. I am not afraid to die. I am not afraid because I know that my time here on this earth is just a moment, and this is not my permanent home. When I die I will be in Heaven, with those that have gone before me. The body that I lived in will be here, and I will have a new spiritual body in Heaven, with no pain, and no imperfections. Jesus died for me, and because I have accepted him into my life, my spirit will not die with my body. Death can be beautiful. I mean that in the most non-morbid way.

There was a time in my life, that I was so depressed, so over life, that I wanted nothing more for myself to be gone. To be dead, and had tried to take my own life. That is not what I am talking about here. Let me digress for a moment. I was reminded today, that there are people fighting secret battles within themselves. Fighting against negative thoughts, secrets, shame, judgment, whatever it may be. They fight these battles, alone, in private, and often times do a wonderful job at putting on a smile and never letting anyone find out they are hurting inside. I have been there, I have done that. It's hard, I definitely know. I struggled my own secret battles for a long time. But peace is available in healing. Working through whatever those secret battles are. Acknowledging that you need forgiveness, or need to forgive, running arms opened wide into the arms of Jesus, he is waiting if you are willing. I laid all of my burdens at his feet, have been forgiven, and have been granted an amazing peace that I literally cannot explain. We sang a song in church this morning, with the lyrics, "I’m forgiven, because you were forsaken. I’m accepted, you were condemned. I’m alive and well your spirit is within me, because you died and rose again. Amazing love, how can it be, that you my king would die for me. Amazing love I know its true, and its my joy to honor you, in all I do, I honor you." This song was one that I kept in my heart during my struggles and battles as a teenager. That and "Come home running, His arms are open wide, His name is Jesus, He understands. He is the answer You are looking for, So come home running Just as you are." Both of these song were given to me during pretty dark times in my life. But again, I was given the strength to over come these times. I have come to an entirely new place in my life, a place where I can look back and say, Yes I have struggled, but I have learned. I have been able to let it all go, and give it back to God. Lay my imperfections at his feet. I now stand on a solid foundation of Jesus, and have said, "Here I am, Lord. Use me!" And he has and does everyday. I have seen over the past couple of weeks how God has put people right in my path to talk to, and tell my story to. It literally blows my mind on numerous levels how many people willing tell me intimate details of their life with having only met them for a few moments. I can remember the first time this happened a few years ago, and thinking.  What is going on here? This person just told me some crazy stuff that I was not prepared to hear! However, as time went on I started seeing a pattern. The people that were talking to me had similar stories as mine. Had struggled with depression, or weight, or having to take care of a family member. It all started to make sense. Even though I chose the hard road, it is ultimately bringing me back to where I need to be, and God is getting the glory. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” So that is where I am today… Back to where I was previously going. So with all of that being said, I can see how God has allowed me on many occasions, to be the calm to the storm for others. Especially with my father’s passing. As hard as that was on me, I was able to hold it together, and get done what needed to be done, by no explanation of my own. That time in my life really took the fear out of dying for me. It took away the questions. My dad was sick, and in pain, and as hard as it was to let him go, he was ready and it was his time. God has perfect timing. I trust that, and have seen it play out numerous times in my life. So if God takes me home, or keeps me here for many years there is a reason, and I trust that. I can say that the one time I tried to play God and take my own life he kept me around. I am grateful for that, and also know it is not my place to play God ever again.

Someone once told me I have the gift of tears. I’m not sure if that is a gift or not, but I sure cry a lot, about everything. Happy, sad, excited, mad, there is most likely going to be tears. I’ve also been told my tears offer comfort and hope. Not that I can change it, but I will cry on! I have been blessed. In so many ways and on so many levels. I hope that there is someone that is encouraged by this. You are not alone! If you are struggling, and need help, or have things you need to get off your chest, reach out to someone, someone you can trust and that will be encouraging! Don’t be afraid. If you are in need of grace, strength and love, Cry out to Jesus. Here are some more song lyrics from Third Day, “There is hope for the help less, Rest for the weary, Love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, Mercy and healing He'll meet you wherever you are. Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus”

A verse that was given to me a while ago was Philippians 1:6, which says (The Living Bible) “And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns.” So keep trusting, God didn’t bring you this far to leave you. Although there are still sometimes I think to myself, okay God I know I said send me, but are you sure I’m ready, are you sure you want me? Take the leap of faith, here we go!

Sometimes you have to look back to move forward.

So I have been feeling like I need to post this picture recently, of me at my heaviest next to a more recent picture of myself.  I must say it is not something I have really wanted to do. When I first started losing weight, and getting "healthier" showing others my progress was such a thrill. Such a high five, well done confidence boost I guess you could say. Over the last few weeks I have really come to a new place with weight loss, health and all things associated. I am  no longer the person I was in the first picture, however I do not take for granted who that person has allowed me to become today. That person was brave enough to say, "I am sick of not being able to buy clothes at regular stores, and I am going to do something about it." Thats literally where this all started. I wanted to wear something from Hollister, because I couldn't and that was my goal. That and to wear a two piece bathing suit. It almost seems silly now, but when I was 18, it was very real. When I first lost weight it was not in the most healthy way. I will be honest, I didn't really have a clue what I was doing. I ate low fat, no fat, processed food. I went on every fade diet under the sun. I ate so much tuna fish, that to this day I still don't really care for it and lost about 80lbs.  I was obsessed with that number on the scale, the size of my clothes, calories, exercise. In a lot of ways I was no better off thin than I was fat mentally. The picture to the right is me at my thinnest, ironically wearing my coveted Hollister shirt. It was this picture that made me say to one of my friends, "Have I gotten too thin?" Was that even possible for a former fat girl? Well it was, and I had gotten too thin. It was around this point I would say I had also gotten a little too confident in my "new body." I probably went off the deep end in more ways than one, but looking back I have learned so much. I have done some really stupid things, made poor choice and ultimately had to deal with the consequences for those choices. I truly believe I am better for it. If you have ever watch the biggest loser, extreme weight loss, or any of those shows you will see that most of the people have bigger problems, and struggles than their weight. For me it all started with someone treating me in a way that made me feel out of control. So from that point on I took control of my life. Mostly in a really crappy way. Instead of someone else taking control over situations that didn't make me feel good about myself, I put myself in situations that didn't make me feel good. In some twisted way it made me feel "better" because I had done it to myself, and made that poor choice. But eventually all those poor choices caught up with me. It was at this point I decided I really needed to put God at the center of my life. I tried my best to get involved with church groups, volunteer, and spend my time being productive. In a lot of ways I became a super conservative introvert. It really wasn't until probably the past year or so that I finally have felt like "myself" again. My husband and his family basically broke my overly conservative introverted ways. Which I am not upset about at all. I feel like I am really moving in a positive direction. About six months ago I started running again. Which is when I started writing this blog as well so you can read back and see how a lot of it has played out. A trainer at my gym kept talking about how she was running a half marathon, and I thought to myself, if you don't do it now you are never going to. So I signed up, started training, and actually completed two! When I started running I had a lot of time alone, to think. I started using that time to pray, and listen to sermons on iTunes. As strange as it may sound I felt and still feel like God is calling me to run. It has given me so many opportunities to talk to people, tell them my story, and share God's word. In ways that I could not have dreamed. I have made new friends, and have committed to do things that just a few months ago seemed so far out of reach. I think maybe before all the running I was in this weird stand still place, not really sure where I was going, or what I was doing. Just stuck in a routine with no direction. Now I am starting to feel like things have purpose again. I am still not 100% where I am going, but I am 100% that I will get there when the time is right. I just ran my first race of the year yesterday and it was the jumpstart I needed to get my motivation back. I was able to tell my story yet again, and the woman that I spoke with asked me to contact her to talk further. We will just have to see how that plays out. I have to admit that I am also excited that I have become a lot of people's  friend that runs, and healthy living go to person. It is really something I love, and continue to grow in. On that note Im going to wrap this up. Thank you for reading, it was a challenging post, but I am hopeful that it had something in it that someone needed, and can motivate, and help you on your journey!

Its a New Year!

It is almost a full week into the new year, and I am feeling refreshed and blessed. I had been working and going to school like a crazy person for a few months, and having a few weeks off to relax, rest, get my house organized and catch up on some reading was very nice. The ending of one year and starting a new always makes me think back to where I was a year ago, and things that happened in the past year. 2013 was a bit of a strange year for myself, and my husband. We started the year off by paying off a car, and feeling very prepared for what was to come to having to buy a new car, and feeling like money draining events are never going to quit :(. Our entire family had a whole slew of health concerns, from cancer scares, to MS flares, a the craziest cold I have ever experienced. But 2013 wasn't all bad. My husband and I both got back on the healthy track. He has lost 40 lbs I believe, and I have lost 20. We completed 3 mud runs, and I completed 2 half marathons. All in all it was a life changing year. When I say life changing I mean, all of the runs, and information I have learned about eating healthy and taking care of my body there is no way I will look at things the same. It has also made me want to continue to improve, and set goals, and also look at how far I have come. Just 8 or 9 years ago (wow that feels like a long time), I was 212 lbs, overweight, unhappy, and in a not so pleasant place. I was on the road to recovering from a traumatic event, and coping in some not so healthy ways. I threw myself at some terrible relationships, drinking, and other not so fun things. I started losing weight but had a long way to go. Since then, I have really come a long way, and I honestly can't thank God enough for getting me far  away from those thoughts, feelings, people and places. I  heard a sermon over the weekend based around Joshua 1 and Deuteronomy 34:5-8. It touched on Trauma, holding patterns in life, and finally getting out of those holding patterns (or getting unstuck). The Four main points for getting unstuck were Heal, Listen, Prepare, and Take a Step. I can look back and see how in many ways 2013 was that leap of faith year. I can also see how I got myself into holding patterns that needed to get unstuck. Falling into lazy, less than perfect habits that need to be cleaned up and tweaked a bit. Moving into 2014 my husband and I have done a couple of things, started a weekly savings plan to save 1 dollar per week, that will increase in value by corresponding with the week of the year. So the first week of the year $1, the second week $2. We are currently working the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace Program the best that we can, by saving, paying cash, using the envelope system, and paying off debt, but this is a little booster. My husband and I also created bucket lists. But not just any bucket list, we created buckets lined with clothes pins that have our goals written on them. We each have one for ourselves, and collaberated on one for our family. As we complete the tasks we can put the pins in the bucket. Two of mine that I will be completing this year (unless something unforeseen happens) are completing a sprint triathlon, and running a marathon. I am pretty excited for both. At the beginning of my journey when I had the thought that I would like to run a marathon someday, I never thought I would be 27 doing it (as in I feel too young). This past year has brought great things into my life though. People that have inspired me, and people that have told me I inspire them (which is pretty awesome). With that being said I feel like this year will be bigger than last, and I will have an opportunity to continue to connect with others. It is a great feeling to grow, and learn and become the best version of myself. For anyone that is reading, I challenge you to do something that would inspire someone else. Think about one person that had a positive impact on you (maybe they didn't even know it), and what that impact caused you to do. In an effort to pay it forward, what can you do to positively impact someone else? A smile, putting money in an over due parking meter, paying for someones meal behind you at a drive thru, running for charity, or fitness. Everything you do, everything I do has an effect, positively or negatively. Just like Galatians 6:7 says, we reap what we sow. Also people are watching us, whether we acknowledge that or not, they are. What we say, how we act, and what we do. How do you want to be seen this year? I know I hope that it is in a positive and inspiration light! Happy New Year!

Detroit Half Marathon... My first 13.1!!

So last week was finally the big week for my first half marathon. It was kind of crazy! The entire week, I closely read over the race guidelines, where to pick my packet up, what I would need to bring, where I would need to go, when the roads would start to shut down, where the water and pit stops were, what the course looked like ect. Since this was an international race that involved crossing from Michigan to Canada, and back my biggest concern was getting stopped at the border. The materials for the race cautioned runners on carrying liquids across the border. I have a hydration belt that I bought at the beginning of my training that fit my passport, and GU packs that I was planning on bringing, and did ultimately. As the days leading up to the marathon got closer, my nerves set in. I had been sick for about 6 weeks leading up to the race, and my training was cut short. The longest I run I had gotten up to was 9 miles prior to race day. I had done a few 6-mile runs in the couple of weeks leading up to it. Along with circuit classes a few times a week. I had read that strength training is good for endurance and injury prevention, and I have to believe it is true with how the race actually went! So two days prior to race day I ventured to downtown Detroit, to pick up my race packet. I went alone, which was fine. I enjoying doing things on my own. It also allows me to wander, take my time, and talk to random people. (I know I should use caution with this, and I do, don’t worry!!) So I get to the Health Expo to collect my packet. I wander around looking at all the gear, and food, and promoters for upcoming races. I stumbled upon one booth for 3:16 athletic wear. Which I have seen online before. They sell dri-tech clothing with bible scriptures on them. On any normal day, I would have never bought anything from them, (because I am WAY to cheap), but something caught my eye. There was a shirt that had the verse 40:31 on it. Which if you are not familiar with it, says, “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Which was one of the verses my mom would say over and over while my dad was sick before he passed. It may have been in his memorial card thing (whatever they are officially called), as well. I talked to the man in the booth for a few minutes, and told him my story, and why this verse had meant so much. He told me a few stories as well, and that he was 5-time iron man competitor, and that his family had volunteered for the relief stations at some iron man events. The one thing he said, that keeps playing in my mind is that during these events participants become so physically and mentally exhausted that sometimes all that’s left is God. I would soon have a little taste of what that was like. So fast-forward 2 days. Sunday (way too earlier in the morning), my husband is driving us downtown to race. (I raced alone, but he was an amazing supporter). I am being my spastic self, messing with the radio, listening to Gospel chorus, and ghetto rap music in bumper-to-bumper traffic. My husband is calm as a calm, and I am trying not to pay attention to the traffic. But in all of the cars around us are people in their running gear, and cars displaying stickers of running distance and achievement. I point and yell, RUNNERS! Yay! My husband shakes his head. So we finally get through the traffic, and park. It is still pitch black, and freezing! We walk to the corrals, and ALLL the way to the end where I was starting. I was one of the last waves because of my slow pace time. So they announce that we need to line up, and I give my hubby my outer sweats, and one last hug before I line up. He looks at me and says, “Don’t cry.” I look back and say, “I’m not gonna cry, this is a run, I wont get emotional.” So as I line up and wait the 20 minutes to run, I am looking all around me, taking everything in. There are so many people, so many conversations, and lots of tall buildings. As I got closer to the starting line and could finally see the countdown for our wave to go, I got a little teary eyed… No tears though! So the first few miles were pretty cool. There were lots of people holding signs, and cheering on their friends and family. As I approached the Ambassador Bridge there were lots of border patrol, and cars waiting to cross the boarder. A lot of them honked and waved, and cheered as the runners passed. Mile 3 on the bridge! This mile was far less scary than I had anticipated. On a normal basis, I hate crossing bridges in the car. But this was surprisingly okay. The water looked beautiful as the sun was coming up. I didn’t get too close to the sides, and crossed with ease. While in Canada there were bands, and radio stations playing music. There was also another amazing view of the water, and the Detroit skyline. As I kept running, I thought I am really doing this, this is amazing.. So as I approached mile 7, the underwater mile back to Michigan a woman began running along side of me. She said, “This is so awesome, I haven’t stopped running this whole time. I think Im going to slow my pace in the tunnel.” I turned to her and asked, what heat were you in. It was a heat that released a few waves ahead of me. At that point I knew I was doing well, and was going to finish under my goal time of 3 hours. I had started after this woman, and had taken a 10-15 minute potty break because the lines were so long, and walked a little, and we were in the same place. So now I am in the tunnel, it is hot, and gross, and honestly creepier than being above the water. I literally just prayed throughout this whole stretch, and ran as fast as my legs would take me. I could not have gotten out of their fast enough. While I was running I noticed the back of someone else’s shirt. It told the story of how she had lost weight, and trained and was here. I congratulated her on her accomplishment as I passed. I thought, we all have a story, and run for a reason. Once I got to the other side, I could breathe, and I was over half way done!! In the next few miles, there seemed to be an eerie silence. Crowds of runners were getting tired, and all the shouts of excitement, and family members with signs had grown strangely dim. As we hit mile 10, I shouted to the half marathoners, we only have a 5k left, let’s finish strong… This energy quickly diminished as I pushed on. Just after mile 11 I could hear a group of men talking to each other. One of them was hitting their wall, and wanting to give up. His friends encouraged him that they were almost done, and he couldn’t quit now. As I passed them, one of them read the verse on the back of my shirt. And repeated, “we will run and not grow weary.” I turned around and cheered them on, and said God give us strength! I prayed a lot during this race, and asked for strength to push on. I gave thanks for the ability to be able to run, and the blessings of all of my family and friends that had supported me throughout it all. At mile 12, I started to realize that I should have ingested another gel pack, but knew I was so close to the end that there would be real food, and didn’t want to take one. I pushed on. I could see the final divider that split the full marathoners from the half marathoners, to the 13-mile finish. Once I turned the last corner, I could see the finish line, and all of the balloons. I told myself, just keep running, but my legs were so tired. For a brief second, I slowed to a walk, and someone in crowd shouted, “You’re gonna walk now, the finish is right there. Keep running!” So I gathered what energy was left and sprinted toward the finish. I finally made it! 13.1 freaking miles! As I finished, we were handed tin foil looking cover-ups, along with food! I heard my husband call my name. I walked to him and gave him a hug over the barricade. It was such an amazing moment! All the doubt, and worry, and nervousness were gone. I was tired, hungry and cold! The only thing left was the strength God had given me and the love of my husband. It was an amazing feeling. It was something I would do everyday if I could! It was such an awesome experience, and I can not wait to do it again!! So this is the story of my first long run. With lots more to come! I have already signed up for another one in a couple of weeks. The joy and excitement that this run gave me, is hard to explain, or put into words. But it is definitely something I can not wait to experience again!

What Lies Ahead

It has been a couple of months since I have posted an update, so that is where I will start. I am not sure if I mentioned it in a previous post of not, but I am back in college part time. Right now I am just taking Anatomy and Physiology, and that is enough. There is a lot to learn, and I am grateful that I can focus my schooling efforts on just this class right now. I am still working as a Social Worker with Older Adults full time, and am taking this class 2 evenings a week. Work has been stressful. I have had a couple of situations over the past month that have been so unbelievingly challenging! I really have gotten to the point with them that I had to give it to God, and pray for the situations to resolve, and for God’s will to be done because I was at a loss. With one situation after praying that, I got good news, and honestly swear I heard angels singing! It was the biggest relief, and eye opener for sure! Along with work and school, my two goals for this year were to become more connected, and be in God’s word, and to RUN. With that being said Ill start with the bad news first. My running has been non-existent in the recent weeks. I have been so unbelievably sick, and unable to breathe going for a run has been out of the question. I have been slightly discouraged, and overwhelmed by the fact that my half marathon is now two weeks away!! My last “long run” was the first weekend in September, and was 9 miles. This week I have pushed a couple of short runs. My last run a couple of days ago was only 3 miles, and my knees were starting to hurt. So  I picked back up some strength training, and am working on my squats and lunges hoping for the best! So with all of that being said, I was getting kind of down on myself, and feeling like I should probably give up. Which brings me to the second goal I had for myself this year. Getting connected, and reading God’s word. I recently joined a cell group (bible studyish), through church and have committed to reading and attending weekly. In reading the study, I am also getting more into the Bible, and praying. I honestly feel so much better. One verse that stood out to me this week was

Philippians 3:12-14 I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me...Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. ... I feel like this is a reoccurring theme today.. Looking forward to what is ahead and leaving my discouragement behind.

I also heard a message on Joyce Meyer’s podcast this week, talking about leaving the past behind you and looking forward to what’s ahead. So that message was very clear this week. Another message that was clear this week is that we are not perfect, that we can not do everything all the time, and we can not let stupid things steal our joy. I am so guilty of letting little things steal my joy!!! Bumps in the road, dishes in the sink, not having enough time to do everything, and still have a life! Its often discouraging. I am learning to check my thoughts and feelings though, and remain positive, and not let this crap still my joy! I deserve to be happy period (I have not believed I should be for a while). The first baby step in that for me, is to not let things or people steal my joy. Secondly, I am coming to terms with the fact that I can not do everything all the time! I am tired darnnit, and need to sleep. I also need to take care of my house, pay the bills, work, and eat (which I have not been doing a very good job of). Being an adult is overwhelming sometimes! But I have vowed to take it one step at a time, plan ahead to the best of my ability, and not beat myself up for leaving things unfinished. I am the type of person that has constant lists going of things to do, finish ect. Sometimes it is just not possible to get everything done in a day, and that is OKAY! It is, and I have to let whatever doesn’t get done, or go as planned go, and move on.

Something that was brought to my attention today is how I have sometimes compared myself to other people. Sometimes other people look like they have it all, a nice house, nice car, amazing job, and family. They may take wonderful vacations that I could never afford to go on, and for a split second I may have the thought, I wish I had their life. But do I? Nah, I am pretty happy with my own life at the moment. I am sure some people have looked at me and thought that. Especially on days like today, where I am so happy, and on fire! I can tell you this is not me, not in my own strength! I have been praying a lot that God show me where he wants me, and that his will be done in my life. I honestly feel like it is, and I can not wait to see what is to come. I can also say, that this was not always the case. I have been down dark paths, made bad choices, hung around the wrong crowd of people, let people treatment like garbage and hit rock bottom on more than one occasion. There was a point in my life that I had made so many wrong turns, and felt like so many people were against me, and that I had no friends, I did not want to live anymore. I attempted to take my own life, but did not succeed. (Praise God!) I was reminded of this during a concert I went to tonight. I saw Third Day and it was the most amazing concert I have seen in a long time! But they told a story of how they came to write their song I Need a Miracle. Apprently a fan came up to them at a show, to tell them about how their son had driven out into the woods to take his own life. In the moments before doing so, he turned on the radio, and

could not get any radio stations to come in, except for a Christian one. Which happen to be playing their song Cry out to Jesus, which lyrics say “There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

Love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus”

Which is just an amazing story, and these lyrics ring true! Jesus is comfort, love and hope. He saved my life over and over, and is always there when I need him the most. He died for me so that I can live. And at this point I am ready to lay down my life and walk with him. So at the end of the day I am encouraged! I know I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! That’s about the only way I can do things! And that he has brought me this far, he isn’t going to leave me know. So I hope this was encouraging, and has given you hope!! Cry out to Jesus!!

Life Is A Balancing Act

I have been wanting to write a new post, but have been so busy the past few weeks. Where do I begin? Work has been pretty awesome lately! I have gotten a few opportunities to attend some trainings, and obtain certifications in areas that I am currently working in. I am already using some of the information and techniques I have learned. I really can't wait to continue using this information, and to begin doing caregiver trainings! Being away from home, and having to prepare food, and workouts in advance definitely took a little time. I prepped and packed all my meals  and brought them with me while I was out of town. It was kind of a pain to make breakfast, lunch and dinner, but I was pretty happy to have the food I was used to while I was gone. The crappy part was that breakfast and lunch were provided at the trainings, but because of my lovely gluten allergy, I couldn't really eat them. :( But it was okay, I came prepared, I ate healthy, didn't get sick, and saved money!! Also, prior to leaving for my trainings I did a little google searching to find a local track to run on. I was super proud of myself for being so prepared! That was until I got to the track and the school's track team was practicing. So I downloaded one of those fancy gps, running apps on my phone and tracked my miles. I was not defeated! Something that almost defeated me prior to going on my trip, was that my car died on me for about the 7th time :((.. Not that this is ever a convenient, but it is even less convenient when you are a community based social worker that does home visits. Almost every time the car had died on me I was working, twice I was meeting with patients.. So needless to say, a new car was in order, or a more reliable car! Well by the grace of God a car fell into place, and that little situation cleared itself up pretty quickly! I will say that my husband and I are working the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace System (the best we can), and that has really helped keep our spending in perspective. I may not have the most amazing, dream car, but I have a car that runs and is reliable. We may not go out to eat as much as we'd like, or buy all the silly things we want, but we have everything we need and we are living within our means! Besides my student loans my husband and I do not have any debt. It is not always easy, but I have to think it is going to be worth it in the end! Just like anything else in life, there is sacrifice, and dedication until you reach your final goal. Which financially would be to be debt free!! Woohoo!! I highly recommend taking Financial Peace, it has really helped my husband and I remain on the same page regarding finances. We paid off both of our cars in the first few months of our marriage, and have been working to save to put both of us back through school without incurring any more debt!!

On another note, I listen to lots of pod casts. I did realize how much I listen to them until the past few days when I did not have the ability to listen to my IPhone in my car, and had to listen to the radio, and I did not recognize a lot of the songs anymore!! But while I had been listening to my IPhone I was made aware of two points that really stuck out to me:
1.Most people don't know what it feels like to be functioning at their optimal level, because they don't put in the work to get there. 2.Don't be jealous of what someone else has, if you are not willing to put in the same time and effort, and go through the struggles they did to get there.

These are such amazing points to reflect on! I really feel like this can be applied to so many things, on so many levels!

I am currently into week 5 of training for the Detroit Half Marathon, with only 10 weeks to go! I am honestly proud of myself for continuing to stick through it! It is getting harder, but I am some how becoming a faster runner! I am up to 6 miles as my longest run, and am pacing between 10:30 and 11:30 per mile. There have been a couple points while running I have had to reflect, pray, and remind myself what I am doing this for. For all those who can't run, I will run for them! Also time is now becoming a factor. At the beginning of this training, I could run a couple of miles on my lunch break, if I didn't have time after work. Now that I am running 4+ miles on a given day it is not that easy. I am having to make a conscious plan of when and wear I am going to run. This week I have been waking up early in the morning to run before work. With the school year approaching again, I feel like this will remain a necessity if I am going to stick with this. It will all be a very careful balancing act of essential activities. Work, school, run, eat, sleep, repeat... And adding more God time in! I had made that commitment to myself along with the running that I will make more time for God as well! Maybe on the days I don't run, maintaining my early morning scheduled to spend time with God! Ah ha! It will be a Divine balance act... Such as life!

Then Life Happened

So today starts week two of half marathon training has begun. (I just noticed the grammar errors in that first sentence, but I think it is a good example of exactly what Im writing about. I clearly have two sentences going on there.) Last week I can say, that I was really pumped, and confident about doing new things and cutting excuses out of my life. This week I am realizing that I am really going to have to be mindful of over committing myself, and keeping up with life. One thing that was outlined on the training schedule I am choosing to follow is weight training and stretching. I feel like this will be an important factor in me not hurting myself. I have hip pain, and after doing a little research have found I need to work on toning my tushy to support those joints. So today I attended Butts and Guts, at the gym I belong to, and I can say that I definitely need to keep going because those muscles are weak! Also with that being said today turned out to be kind of busy, and I crammed my after work schedule a little too full.  It looked like this, gym, weight watchers, meeting up with a friend, and now its late, I have just enough time to get ready for tomorrow before bed. I did not have time to get my allergy shot, which I normally do on Monday's, and I would not have had time to squeeze my run in, so I got my miles in on my "lunch break." My schedule and all the things I have to do things week are weighing heavy on my mind. I know that I am really going to have to start planning better, and taking a few moments in the day for myself or I am going to fail at this again. Oh and did I mention that I didn't really make anything for dinner, my house is a disaster, and it just occurred to me that my laundry needs to go in the dryer. I have been really having problems with this lately and have had to re-wash clothes multiple times for this reason! But back to failing at this half marathon training... I almost feel like I am more prepared to fail at this, than I am to actually run it. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not yet. I missed my long run for last week because I was just too exhausted. It was only 3.5 miles, which is 0.5 miles farther than I normally go, so I am hoping it's not too crucial. This weeks long run is 4 miles. I kind of pumped. The thought of running more than 3 miles freaks me out though. I run the same stretch of sidewalk which is 3 miles give or take in any direction that I go. The fact that I will actually have to figure out and plan for that extra mile is going to take a little effort. I am also someone that worries about time, how long things will take, and setting aside enough time to finish. I am thinking that it will need to be something I do in the morning, so that I can get up run my miles and not think about it the rest of the day. I am also having to re-arrange my running schedule and different things because my husband and I are participating in our second mud run this weekend! I am so excited for this! The first one was such a blast. I feel better prepared for this one because I know more of what to expect. My two big concerns are being sore from my long run for the race, or being sore from the race for next weeks miles. I will just have to wait and see.
On another note, I have been having a numbness in my toes again. I had experienced this a few months ago, and after talking with my neurologist, thought it may have something to do with my aspartame consumption. After I cut aspartame out, I hadn't noticed it anymore. Lately every little thing that might be slightly MS related freaks me out. :(.. I am really hoping  that it is my crappy running shoes. I guess I will find out later this week, when I hopefully get some new ones!!
A couple of things are on my mind in my mental part of this process are some things Joyce Meyer had said in her Podcasts last week. The first being at first when you have this great idea everyone is backing you, your adrenaline is flowing and you can't wait to begin. But as the process continues all those people have faded and its just you and Jesus making it work. Secondly, something else from a message I heard from her and I believe is mentioned somewhere else in this blog, about adjusting your life. Everyday is an adjustment, and when one curve ball comes your way, you adjust and try to make everything fit again. This is a mental, and physical journey, and I can not wait to see what happens next! I am sure it will be a whole lot of life!!

Perfect Failures

This morning I was again reminded of the events in my life that could be seen as failures,  and have been great opportunities and learning experiences. I am also reminded of the word picture, "the ripple effect." If what I had wanted to do, had not "failed" I would not have gotten the even greater opportunity that had been waiting for me. A few things that stick out in my mind are, college, the Peace Corp, and re-arranging my wedding. I will start with college, because that seems to be where it all began. I went to college straight out of High School, with no clear career path. I wanted to work with people, "helping them," in some sense of the word. I began taking pre-requisite courses for Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Dietetics, and ultimately graduated with a degree in Social Work. I know I am suppose to have this degree, and here is why. After changing my major a few times, and continuing to struggle with science, and foreign language classes, I contemplated changing schools, and starting over entirely. I met with a few counselors from different schools regarding Nursing programs, to change majors yet again. Changing schools would have ultimately meant completely starting over. I had gone so far with the school I had currently been at that I had enough overall credits to graduate, but did not have enough credits in one area to obtain a degree in anything. So one night, while at work the thought crossed my mind to look through all of the degree programs for the current school I was at and just pick a program that I had the most amount of credits toward. Ultimately that had been Social Work. I only need a couple of classes to apply for the program, so I took them, applied and began the course work soon after. While going through the coursework, I was excited but knew that there was something more for me. I wanted to be a part of something bigger after college, so I applied to the Peace Corps. I went through one interview, and completed all of the necessary paperwork, and patiently waited for everything to be processed. I soon found out that I had not been accepted because they felt my Multiple Sclerosis was too much of a risk factor for me being out of the country for so long. I had the option to appeal, but didn't. I didn't appeal because, soon after receiving the denial, a 20/20 special regarding the Peace Corps aired, and I felt that my denial had happened for a reason, and that it was not what I needed to do at this time. But I was also lost, I didn't have a plan after college other than that. I was going to graduate, join the Peace Corps for two years, and then continue on with my education. But that didn't happen, and I was so unsure of what and where I needed to be. So after graduation, I found a job in my field and tossed around the idea of going to graduate school, and obtaining my Masters in Social Work. I really thought that was what was next. I completed the application, and obtained recommendation letters from supervisors, and professors, and was ultimately accepted into the graduate program. A few months prior to being accepted, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, and my father's health took a turn for the worst. In preparation for school, and to assist in my father's care, I took a more flexible job where I was able to make my own schedule, and hopefully balance everything coming my way. My fiance and I had initially planned to marry a year after our initial engagement, but with my father's health declining, we moved the wedding up. My dad had been sick with Multiple Sclerosis most of my life, and had been unable to attend most of my important moments. High school, and college graduation, dance recitals, band and choir concerts, etc. My wedding was going to be the one thing he was there for, even if it meant moving the wedding up 6 months. So the time line of events went something like this. On a Wednesday I left my job, and had 2 days to finish wedding prep before beginning my new job on Monday. The next day (Thursday), my husband and I finalized, our Hall, Catering, Photographer and the other big details. I also received my acceptance to graduate school that Thursday. Friday my mother in law and I bought decorations, Sunday I went to have my wedding dress altered. Monday I left town to begin training for my new job that was going to last until Thursday of that week. I was scheduled to stay a couple hours from home while completing my training. Thursday morning around 3am my mother called to tell me that she thought my dad had passed, and I was hours away from home. I called my husband, then fiance and asked him to go to my parents until I could get there. My father passed 5 days and 2 months before our wedding, the wedding we had worked so hard just days before to re plan, just so that he could be there. That was one of the craziest times of my life. I wanted to hold myself together so badly because my poor mother was falling apart. I can not even imagine, the man you have been married to for more than 30 years, have had to provide hands on care for, for more than 20 years, is just gone.  I was about to get married, and my poor husband had to see my continually fall apart, and not caring nearly enough about our wedding. We kept our new wedding date, since we had worked so hard to change it once, we did not change it back. I did not go to graduate school that year, and ultimately decided that, that was not where I needed to be either. So as a result of all of my "failures," I was able to experience some pretty amazing things. The Fall after not being accepted to the Peace Corps I had an amazing opportunity to join my church on a short term mission trip to Guatemala. It was such a great chance to connect with people I may have not otherwise been in touch with, to see another country, and experience another culture. This trip will be forever with me. Also that Fall, by now husband proposed. Which if I would have been accepted to the Peace Corps, and been out of the country for two years, may never have happened. As for the craziness surrounding my wedding, and my father's passing I had been very stressed, and saddened that I had taken a new job to help with my dad's care, and to return to school, neither happened. Looking back, taking this job, and being away from home, allowed for my parents to have a few moments alone in the days leading up to my father's passing. The job I took ultimately filled a gap until I found the position I currently have. I am also very grateful that our wedding happened when it did. By moving everything up six months, my husband and I were given time to adjust, and spend some quality time together before my husband returned to school in the Fall. I have ultimately decided against going to graduate school to obtain a Master's in Social Work. I have been lead to begin taking classes toward a Nursing degree. In many ways I feel as though I have come full circle in all of this, and that all of these events needed to happen exactly as they have for me to be at peace with where I am now. Over the course of this week, one message that has become loud and clear to me is that things need to happen in God's timing, and that if I keep God at my center, he will not lead me astray. So although, my life did not exactly go as I had planned, I am sure this is the way God had seen it. I have felt for a long time that I need to reach people through my own story, and personal experiences. It was never clear to me how this was going to happen, but I am seeing that perhaps this blog will be a good way to do that. I can look back and see how other peoples stories, and knowledge of their journey's have helped me manage my own experiences, or have acted as a guide to work through different times in my own life. I am hopeful that my journey will do the same for others, or plant to seed for others to begin seeking God's will, and timing for their own life. I ran across this image today, which goes right along with my perfect failures, so I thought I should share it as well.